


Lost Memories

by AvengersAU



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-01-03 07:38:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21175799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvengersAU/pseuds/AvengersAU
Summary: Two girlsA huge pastAn unbreakable linkLost memories





	1. Prologue

_ « I don't want to go back, I don't want Tasha ever again! It hurts too much! » I said, letting a sobbing escape. _

_Immediately, her hand comes to cover my lips, preventing me from making more noise._

_« Shh Carol, you know what happens if we make noise! » she replied, whispering back. _

_I try to choke my tears, but it hurts too much and moans slip between my lips. Slowly, she takes me in her arms and rocks me. I snuggle up against her. I feel like I'm protected when she's around. But it's only an illusion. I know that in a short time the door will open again. And that they'll take one of us again. My whole body is screaming in pain and I know hers is too, but she doesn't show it. She has always been strong, even before all this, before this hell became our daily life. _

_It's already been a year. It's been a year since my paradise went to hell. Honestly, if I had been alone, it would have been less serious. Only, my angel is here with me and she's suffering. And this thought is even more intolerable than any torture. She is there and cradles me, letting me choke my tears in the hollow of her shoulder. I hold her tight against me. Her beautiful red hair touches my neck. She's so thin. That being said, I can't be any bigger than her. Food is not one of their priorities and depending on the day, we may or may not receive it. At first, it was anarchy. And then we got used to it. I no longer even feel my stomach twisting, the pain being insignificant compared to the pain of my body torn apart by wounds. _

_« Listen to me, » Natasha whispers to me, « I promise you, I promise you that one day we'll get out of here and fly away from here. I promise I'll never abandon you, I'll always come back for you. You're my Wendy, I'm your Peter Pan and one day we'll fly away. We're only 16 and one day we'll fly away. I promise you that. » _

_I look up at her and answer with a faint smile. I trust her and I know she will keep her promise. She leans towards me and puts her lips on mine. I enjoy the moment, praying that time will freeze. When she moves away, I follow her lips for a moment, wishing to prolong the sensation. _

_« I love you, Tasha, » I tell her in a depressed mood. _

_« I love you, too, Carol, » she answers me, one hand on my cheek « you’re my everything. »_

_Suddenly, noises are heard. Footsteps. My whole body freezes and starts to shake. My breathing is getting blocked. My mind is empty. Natasha puts one hand on mine, helping me to calm down. The door opens in a deafening crash. Natasha moves in such a way as to form a barrier between me and those who want to hurt us. Even from behind, I can see her failing leg and wounds. I hide behind her arm, which she places around my waist. I cling on her, even though I know it's in vain. They arrive in pairs and grab Natasha violently. They lure her out, but I refuse to let go. One of the two guards drops Natasha and hits me hard on the ribs. It hurts, but I'm holding on. He grabs my waist and pulls in the opposite direction. Natasha grabs my hand, so the agent holding her has to lift her up to pull her. _

_« NATASHA! NATASHA! COME BACK NO TASHA PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ME » I shout when they finally manage to separate us. I struggle, scream as much as I can, kick in all directions, using what little energy I have left to try to escape. _

_« Carol, remember! I promised you and I will keep that promise, okay? Remember! I'll be back in a little while! » she shouts at me, as the man takes her away from me. _

_The guard who is holding me throws me to the ground and I don’t have the strength to get up. My ribs are sore and a huge ball of emotion is stuck in my throat. I keep calling her, crying alone on the floor of the cell plunged into darkness. I keep calling my angel, hoping every second to see her walk through that door. No matter what state she finds herself in, I will be there to comfort her, that's what I promised myself. « We'll fly away, » she promised me._

_I waited. Hours, days. _

_She never came back. _


	2. Mission

« Ready, Rogers? »

« Always, Romanoff! » 

Nat can't help but sketch a smile. It has been three years since she became Steve's partner for S.H.I.E..L.D. missions and she continues to be amazed at how easily she has adapted to him. In just three months, they had become the perfect duo, the ideal tandem for the most dangerous missions, the "Oh my God we're all going to die" kind of missions and are called exclusively for them, Fury having very well understood the dangerousness of their duo. That's why, once again, they both find themselves on the other side of the globe, having to dismantle a HYDRA base.

« How many of them are there this time? » Natasha asks, already tired of having to kick the asses of the agents of the evil organization once again. Seriously, don't these guys ever learn from their mistake? 

« Apparently, a little over a hundred » 

« Well, the routine! » she replies with a grin. 

Steve laughs. It is true that they have seen other things about dismantling enemy bases. However, something is still bothering Natasha. 

« Tell me, why this one in particular? It's a relatively small base considering the number you just gave me and I don't understand. Why us? » she wonders.

Steve looks at her with eyes full of sudden sadness. 

« Apparently, they do a lot of experimentation there... on animals and on humans. Fury didn't know if we could find optimized people or I don't know which humanoid, so he preferred to send us»

Natasha's face turns dark. More experiments on humans. People torn from their homes as she once was. Even if she has managed to overcome it and follow the new path that Clint offered her, she cannot help but wonder how many lives like hers have been destroyed around the world. 

« If we find genetically modified or optimized people, we have orders to bring them back to S.H.I.E.L.D. If we ever need backup because of the optimized ones, Fury posted backup fractions in one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. bases about fifty kilometers from here. They will be here in less than 30 minutes, » Steve adds. 

Natasha nods. Everything rather than let people suffer again because of the KGB or Hydra. 

« Same plan as usual? » she smiles as she looks at him. 

« Yes, ma'am. You don't change a winning team! » he replies with a wink. 

« Shh, Grandpa, don't be too smart. Do I have to remind you of what happened the last time you were too confident? » she says, looking at him, smiling and laughing. 

« So in my defense… » Steve starts to say, « Oh no, I actually have nothing in my defense, » he says laughing and shrugging. 

« Hey! » Nat shouts out as she hits him on the shoulder, « I don't think it's funny! I almost had to change partners! You have no idea how boring that is. »

« Awwwwww » Steve replies with his dog-beaten eyes, « would you have missed me? »

« Not at all Captain, I'm just lazy to readapt to someone else. It takes time and I have neither the desire nor the energy so spare me and please stay alive, » She replied mockingly. 

Steve pretends to be offended, but he knows very well that deep down she teases him. He too feels more than fine at her side, and although it seems strange to many people, they are only best friends. Not a single ounce of romance between the two of them and it suits them perfectly. 

Steve opens the back of the jet and looks at Natasha. 

« Women first, » he smiles. 

« Ah ah very funny Rogers. Gallant in all circumstances, huh? » she replied before turning towards him, back to the void and letting herself fall back. 

Steve can't help laughing and jumps into the void. 

***

_Dark. It's so dark. Why is it dark? Where am I? What happened to me? My head hurts... So much pain... and my memories are blurry. I can barely see her face. But I have to hold on. I have to remember, I have to keep her in mind. Because she's all I have left. All that matters now. Reminding is all that matters. I have to visualize her features over and over again, with every heartbeat, every breath. Her emerald eyes, deep, beautiful, bewitching. Remember her promise. She promised and I know she will keep her word. I have confidence in her. I have to have confidence. She promised we would fly away, just me and her. She promised. Remember her features, her angel voice. How did we meet? I don't remember. Erased from my memory, like everything else. It just remains her, who resists in the fog of my mind, her light making its way through my darkness. Remember her, to forget everything else. Forget the incessant torture, forget the aggressions, the rapes, my painful body. Forget that here I'm just a toy, an object they have at their disposal. Forget my burning throat, my tearing lungs, the pain in my crotch, my broken bones crying for help. Forget that when they come to get me, it will be to try to erase me, to make me disappear from myself. Extirpate my consciousness and leave only an empty envelope. A carcass. Rape me, to make me understand that here I have no rights. Nailing myself to this chair and watching me clench my teeth over and over again, until darkness invades me again. Waking up in the dark, and doing it again. _

_I can hear them. They're coming again. « Quick, remember her features » I tell myself, « visualize them one by one to engrave them even more in your memory. Anchor them, to make them come back later, to make her come back to you. » I don't know what they're going to do. Rape me? Erase me? I never know, it's the surprise. Quick, come and get me my angel, please. Come and get me. _

_That's it, they're here, they're opening the door. The light comes in, it hurts my eyes. Instinctively, my body curls up and shakes. I shake my hands against my chest. I must protect my only treasure, the only physical thing I have left of my angel. It's hidden in my bra. They never come here to search, they're too busy opening me in half from below. They shout at me to get up but it's useless, I haven't been able to walk for a long time and they know it very well. That doesn't stop them from screaming and hitting me because I don't obey. I can't feel anything anymore. Anyway, my body hurts too much everywhere for me to see a new pain anymore. I don't understand why they go on. They should kill me. They keep asking me for something, something I don't have. They keep repeating it, telling me to give it away, but I have nothing. I have nothing left. _

_They're lifting me up. They're done playing with me. To be precise, they're done yelling at me and banging me to get up, but I know my day is not over. They take me into this corridor that I know too well and yet that seems less and less familiar to me. To erase myself. They want to erase me. My angel. The features of her face printed behind my eyes. They throw me in the chair, tie my wrists, ankles. It's no use, I can't even get up on my own. It's that damn helmet on my head again. It gets boring in the long run. I still haven't opened my eyes, still haven't said a word. 3167 days of silence. An eternity and at the same time a sigh. It has been 3167 days since not a sound has come out of my mouth. They turn on the machine, turn it on. Always the same question. I'm not answering. I visualize my angel. I'm holding on to her. They're sending the juice. My whole body is tightening and shaking but not a sound passes through my lips. My bones clash, break apart over and over again. My wounds reopen and bleed. I hang on to a promise made 10 years ago. Hang on because they can't break me any more than they already have. My angel is leaving, I see her leave. She has to come back. I'm trying to visualize her features, but she's blurry, incomplete. Come back, I'd like to tell her, but no sound comes out. My body hurts, my head thunders. Remember. _

_Forget about her. Forget her. _

_And fall back into the dark. _

***

« 21! » Steve proudly announces « And you? »

« 27, you're still behind Rogers! » Natasha laughs through the intercom. 

Steve mumbles in his beard. How come she's still first? He has been careful to be fast, efficient, fluid and devastating. But no matter what he does, she always seems to be early. More dangerous, more... deadly. 

« Hey Steve, this is no time to daydream! You really want to lose or what! »

Steve pulls himself together and knocks out two agents who are standing in his way. 23. He better hurry if he wants to catch up with Natasha. He runs, knocking out seven other guards, bringing his total to 30. 

« Nat, where are you at? » 

« Almost to the control room and 45 Captain! »

She adds nothing, but Steve feels her winning smile from the other end of the base. The good news is that there are only about 25 agents left on the base, which means that the time for their victory is fast approaching. 

« 54! I think you owe me a pledge, Rogers! »

Steve sighs. He already knows that and it really despairs him of having lost. Again. 

« Instead of bragging, tell me where they are so I can finish the job. »

« Well, what is it about Stevie? Grumpy for losing? » she teases him. 

« Natasha… » 

« Okay, okay, wait »

Steve gives her a few seconds to hack into the server. 

« So, about 15 guards approaching at your ten o'clock. The others are further away but almost all converge on you,» she says, shooting blindly through the wall and kicking another agent who was approaching. « 55 » she thinks for herself. Through the cameras, she watches Steve fight and can't help but notice differences from his early days. It is much less rough, finer, more precise, more... deadly. She can even recognize a little of her style in his movements. Good. If she can teach him not only to use physical force but also to increase his accuracy, his safety will only be enhanced. Through the earpiece, she continues to dictate the positions of the various guards who arrive, allowing Cap to throw and play with his shield as it pleases him, hitting the target every time. Once all the guards are down, Steve joins Natasha in the security room.

« Final score? » she asks him, a victorious smile on her face. 

« 49 » he grins. 

« So that makes a total of 32 victories for me against 13 for you! You're softening Steve. » she says with an amused look. 

« Wait a minute, you'll see next time I'll win. »

« In your dreams, Grandpa. » 

« Are you done? » he said grunting. 

« Almost » 

« Is it complicated? »

« No more than any other time. I infiltrate, I retrieve the data, I clean up, we clear out. »

Steve nods his head and looks at the screens. He frowns.

« Why is this whole part in the dark? »

« I don't know exactly... but if what you told me is true, this must be the part where they do the experiments and in my opinion, no one wants that on videos… »

« Once you're done, we'll take a look around. So far, I haven't found anything "superhuman" and I don't think that's normal... something's wrong. »

It is Natasha's turn to nod, well agreed with her partner. The computer beeps, indicating that the data has finished being transferred to the S.H.I.E..L.D and has been deleted. 

« Let's go, » Natasha says, before heading for the door, Steve on her heels. 

Slowly, they head towards the West wing of the base, the one in the dark. They go on cautiously, checking at every turn to see if there are any guards left or if there is something else waiting for them. As they progress, they turn on the lights, revealing rooms and corridors that are more sinister than each other. Some of the machines they encounter on their way bring to the surface memories that Natasha would have preferred to forget forever, so she has to look away several times. Steve stands by her side, supporting her, but Nat knows that deep down he is in the same state of hatred and anger as she is. 

In the sixth room they open, they find a new machine. Equipped with a seat and chains, it is connected to a generator that allows anyone sitting here to be electrocuted. Natasha feels terribly uncomfortable. The room and the machine look terribly familiar to her, although she knows she's never been here before. 

« Look… » Steve whispers to her, taking her out of her thoughts, « There was someone here recently, » he says, showing fresh traces of blood and sweat. 

« It must not be more than a day old. Which means the people they experimented on are still here. Let's go, we have to help them, Steve. »

« But doesn't that seem strange to you? We turned on the lights, made noise while fighting and yet no one called for help. »

« Do you think there's no one there? »

« I think that if there has been experimentation, it may not be on as many people as we thought. »

« Let's search the rest and we'll know for sure. I need to get out of here quickly. »

« Okay, you take the right cells and I'll take the left one. » 

« Copy that » 

They're on their way again. Soon, the cell doors explode under their blows, but still nothing. They both arrive at their last door. Steve blows up his first. No one. More discreet, Natasha opts for a gentle unlocking, using her tools. She gently opens the door. 

« Steve! » she shouts suddenly. Steve rushes to her.

« What?????? » 

Natasha points to the bottom of the room, where a silhouette can be distinguished. The two Avengers rushed towards the body. She is a young blonde woman, probably the same age as Natasha. She's unconscious. Nat examines her injuries. Considering the blisters spreading along her arms and her entire body, she probably has many broken bones, as well as cuts and bruises on all sides. She is covered with sweat and dirt, preventing the proper healing of her cuts and she trembles with cold. But what worries Natasha most is the two perfectly cylindrical bruises that mark her temples, proof written in her flesh that they used the machine on her. Natasha was never the emotional type, but the face distorted by the sadness and fear of the young woman in front of her brings her infinite rage and a desire for revenge. « It's weird, » she thinks, « it's not the first time we've found people in this state, so why does it affect me so much this time? » But she decides to reject her feelings. She looks at the young woman again. She can almost see the angel face hiding under the bumps. Once again, a strange feeling seizes her. Delicately, she slides her arms underneath the shaky body and lifts it up. She is so light that Natasha feels like she's not lifting anything at all. She puts the young woman's head against her shoulder and stands up completely. 

« Is it okay, Nat? I can take her if you prefer. »

« No, thanks Steve, I got it covered. Open the way in case there are any agents left and let's go home. » she replies, rejecting the feeling of possessiveness rising within her. 

« All right » he agrees « let's go home. »


	3. Natasha’s behavior

_ Dark. It is dark again. I can't hear anything anymore. My senses have kind of left my body. Am I dead? I think so. If hell is here, I'm disappointed. It's just dark, you don't have to make a big deal out of it. The only thing I remember is the walls of that empty, dark room in which I have often been thrown. I know there's something else, something else I don't get, but what? I can’t say. An object? A person? I can't remember. My head is wrapped in cotton. My memory is as if it were compartmentalized. Like a long line from which fragments would have been removed. I know there's something else, I can feel it. Footsteps are approaching. Please don't, not again. I'd like to get up, but my body is more than ever in agony. All I have left is my head to talk, my imagination to run. Kill me, I want to tell them, but not a sound crosses the barrier of my vocal cords. I can't take it anymore. Let this stop. At least death may be sweeter than life. Kill me, so that my spirit can finally tear itself away from this too damaged body. Every wound is a living bite in my flesh. I have to remember, but what? I don't know. I don't know anymore. Everything is blurry. The steps are getting closer. It's weird, they usually sound different, they're more... discreet. As if the people to whom they belong should not be here. I hear noise against the door. It's like someone's tampering inside. Silently, almost in disagreement with the metal structure of the latter, it opens. Again, the light attacks my eyes. Impossible to open them. I lie there, too scared of pain if I try to move. The person enters the room and freezes suddenly. I can hear her in the silence she spreads. _

_« Steve! » She screams. _

_Her voice sounds like an electroshock to me. I think it's the first female voice I've heard in years. There were only men here before. It is melodious, bewitching. Is she here to kill me? Like a bandage before one last deadly dance? I hear other steps, heavier this time. A man, probably. _

_« What?? » He answers her as he comes running in. _

_I can hear them moving, as if they were communicating in silence. Then I feel them coming towards me. The first thing that strikes me is the woman's perfume. Envouting, just like her voice. It would almost feel like a balm to me. If it's the smell of death, I'll accept my sad fate. They both kneel on either side of me, but still say nothing. Maybe words are not necessary. Maybe they already know their purpose here. I twitch slightly when I feel two arms sliding under me. That's unexpected, to say the least. She gently lifts me up and I find myself snuggled up against her chest. The contrast between the cold of the room and her sudden body heat releases a shiver that runs along my body and makes me curl up a little more against her. _

_« Are you going to be okay, Nat? I can take her if you prefer. » the man asks her. _

_Nat? That must be her name. I like it. It sounds softly to my ears. _

_« No, thanks Steve, I got it covered. Open the way in case there are any agents left and let's go home. » she replies._

_So his name is Steve._

_« All right, let's go home. »_

_They start walking outwards, Nat still holding me. I expect us to be blocked, but nothing. Not a single known male voice disrupts the silence. Just her breathing and the sound of their footsteps. With my head against her, I can hear her heartbeat, it's reassuring, hypnotizing. Maybe in the end, I'm not going to die today. They both stop. _

_« Start the jet » Nat orders Steve. _

_He doesn't answer, but I guess he nodded because there's a sudden engine noise. _

_The relief of finally knowing I'm far from this place and the protection Nat's arms offer me succeed in doing what I haven't done for a very long time: I faint from exhaustion. However, before I find myself in the dark again, three sentences cross my mind. _

_I have to remember._

_What?_

_I forgot. _

*** 

Natasha did not leave the young woman for a moment during the entire return flight. As she entered the jet, she sat on a seat, the young woman still unconscious on her lap, and kept her as still as possible during the tremors. Nat doesn't know why, but her protective and possessive instinct has not stopped being at its peak since she laid eyes on the young woman. Even when they arrived at HQ, she had trouble letting go of the young woman so that the medical team could take care of her. Steve had to reason with her before she finally agreed to give her to them. Steve can see that something is wrong, but he knows Natasha well enough not to bother her too soon with it. He knows that if necessary, she will open up to him when she feels ready. 

For nearly two hours now, Natasha has refused to move firmly from in front of the window of the S.H.I.E.L.D operating room, watching the doctors busy themselves around the young woman. According to them, it is a miracle that she is still alive, given her obvious under-nutrition and too many injuries. After spending more than an hour replacing her bones and stopping her bleeding, they now occupy her cuts and bruises, carefully sewing up the delicate skin. 

« Nat... » 

Natasha jumps. She didn't hear Steve coming. 

« Natasha, Fury wants to see us. For the mission report. » 

She shakes her head.

« I'm not moving from here, Steve. » 

« What's going on, Natasha? » 

« Nothing's going on at all, but I'm not moving. Period. »

Steve sighs. That's when Fury's voice resounds through their earpieces.

« Romanoff. Mission report. Now. That's an order. » 

Natasha sighs with annoyance and after a last look at the window, starts walking towards the director's office, unable to ignore a direct order from her supervisor. Steve follows her, looking at her from behind. He doesn’t know what, but something has changed since the mission. There was like a.... click. Something bigger than them is happening and he doesn't like it, not at all. He is suspicious of this girl and wants above all to protect Natasha. But her sudden change in attitude doesn't help him and Steve sees no other solution than to talk to Fury about it. What he intends to do right during the report. 

« Captain, Romanoff » Fury greets them. 

Without him noticing, they had arrived at the office and Natasha had just knocked on the door. They both enter before Hill closes the door behind them. 

« Report? » Fury asks. 

« All agents are out. Base is closed. It's all in the key we gave you. We found a young woman and brought her back. Over and out. Can we go now? » Nat drops before heading towards the door. 

« Agent Romanoff, bring your ass back here » Fury orders her. 

Natasha sighs violently again before returning to Steve's side. 

« What's going on? » he asks her, looking into her eyes. 

« Nothing » 

« I repeat my question Agent. What's going on? » 

« There's something wrong with the young woman we brought back, » Steve replies in her place.

Immediately, Natasha turns her head towards him and looks at him angrily. 

« There's nothing wrong with her, Steve! »

« Nat, no offense, but you're acting weird. I know the Red Room has left its mark, but I don't even recognize you anymore. It took me 15 minutes to reason with you before you agreed to let go of Natasha. Admit it, there's something wrong. »

« As you said, Rogers, the Red Room has left its mark. I'm just worried about her, because I don't want the same thing to happen to her as to me. Leave me out of it, will you? » 

Steve sighs. 

« For your information, both of you, » Maria says, « Her name is Carol Danvers. She has been missing for almost eleven years. Her file is one of the few that have been deciphered on the key so far, the others being protected by very complex codes. We only have part of the information about her, the rest is also classified. »

Natasha's gaze darkens even more with the news. Steve shivers when a murderous shadow passes behind her emerald eyes.

« Captain » 

Steve lifts his head up to Fury. Natasha gives him a dark look.

« I want all the details » 

***

Half an hour later, they are still in Fury's office, Steve describing recent events as accurately as possible. Natasha is sitting in a chair, back to them, looking out the window. She seems calm, but Fury as much as Steve has spotted the tiny tension in her fingers, a very weak but indisputable sign that she is boiling inside. Because that is indeed the case. Natasha can't take it anymore. She's only looking forward to getting out of here to make sure Carol's okay. She can't explain it and honestly doesn't care. What matters is that she is there to protect her. 

Steve still needs five more minutes to finish his story. Natasha is on the verge of explosion, releasing tension in the room. 

« Description of Agent Romanoff's symptoms? »

Natasha turns her head the moment she hears her name. Steve takes a brief look at her before continuing. 

« Irritability, annoyance, difficulty at distance and extreme possessiveness » 

Fury breathes slowly. Two options are available to him, but he knows that none of them will suit Natasha. For the time being, he must think before imposing his decision. 

« Rogers, Romanoff for now I want you both to go to the training room to train the new recruits. No other alternatives is an order. » He adds when he sees Natasha opening her mouth. 

She gives him another dark look before rushing out of the room, slamming the door behind her. 

« Captain » Fury calls Steve as he is about to go out after her. 

« Yes, sir » 

« I want you to watch Natasha. You and I both know she's not in her normal state, that's obvious. I want a report on each of her movements and especially that she doesn't contact Carol without my permission. I want to know what's happening to her before I decide anything, is that clear? » 

« Clear Sir » 

« Good » 

After a brief nod, Steve leaves the office and goes to the training room where Natasha is already warming up among the officers. Steve already feels sorry for the new recruits. Given the state of her nerves, there is a high probability that the training will be in accordance with her mood, i.e. extremely stressful. 

And unfortunately he was right. Half an hour later, all the agents present without exception are red and dripping with sweat while Natasha seems in great shape. Even Steve starts to feel his muscles protesting when they normally take Natasha's training without hesitation. Looking at the soldiers, Steve notices that many look very pale, although they don’t dare to ask for anything. That's why when Natasha is about to give another order, Steve decides to interrupt the training. 

« Training is over. Go and change » he announces to the group, whose eyes light up with a sudden recognition. 

Natasha shoots him again with her eyes but doesn't flinch. Instead, she goes to the hitting bags and starts hitting with all her strength to evacuate. Staying alone in the room with her, Steve slowly approaches when he sees red forming on her phalanges to leave traces on the bag. She doesn't seem to have noticed it, too lost in her thoughts. When he gets behind her, Steve touches her shoulder but she doesn’t react. He then gently grabs her elbows and pulls her away from the bag. She freezes but does not attack or defend herself. Steve takes a deep breath before whispering. 

« Nat... please talk to me » 

She still doesn't respond, but her back is shaken with small tremors. 

« Natasha » 

« I… » she starts, « I don't know what's going on, Steve. I have no idea, I just know I need to protect her... don't ask me why... it's irresistible, it's coming up inside me and I have no control over it… » 

She turns to him, her eyes fogged up. 

« What's happening to me, Steve…? » she says in a broken voice. 

Steve sighs before he hugs her. She squeezes him back and he kisses her hair gently. 

« I don't know either, but we'll find... I promise you we'll find out. » 

They remain frozen in the middle of the room, Steve trying to convey his calm to Nat. After five minutes, she detaches herself from him. 

« I'm going to take a shower » 

Steve nods his head. 

« I'm going to imitate you. I'll meet you after. »

« I guess Fury put me under your supervision? »

Steve is tempted to lie, but Nat is very clever for him to try anything and it will probably end in an unnecessary argument. 

« Yes. No right to let go and no right to let you get close to Carol. » 

She sighs but does not protest, knowing full well that she is acting in a strange way. 

« Maybe you should try talking to Fury or Maria about it? » 

« I think we're going to have to, yes... something's wrong and we have to find out what » 

Steve smiles. This is a little more like the Natasha he knows.

« Let's shower and go, okay? »

She sketches a smile. 

« Sold Rogers » she says with a grin, « the first to finish wins! » she adds as she rushes to the showers. 

« Hey you cheat! » he replies laughing before jumping off in turn, relieved despite everything to find her again. He is convinced that they will both clarify this situation. That’s a promise.


	4. Nightmare or memory?

« How are you feeling, Nat? » Steve asks Natasha

« Much better, thanks Steve » Nat smiles.

As agreed, they had met after their respective showers and are now heading to the kitchen, dinner time having arrived. For the first time in her life, Natasha had taken her time to shower, seeking above all to relax her muscles and thoughts under the jet of hot water. But despite all her efforts, her anguish, although diminished, is still present, something that Steve feels perfectly well. 

« Still tense, aren't you? » He says with an understanding look. 

Natasha sighs loudly. She's doing the best she can to hide it, but with Steve, it's impossible. 

« Yes… Steve, I'm going to be honest, I just want to run to her. I have no fucking idea what's going on, but it's irresistible and, » she shakes her head like she's trying to pull herself together « I... I don't know how long I can last. »

Steve gets closer and kisses her on the forehead while holding her in his arms. Natasha relaxes slightly on contact, sighs again in the hollow of his shoulder. 

« First, language, » he says. Natasha laughs, her face still buried in Steve's shoulder. « Secondly, we're going to go talk to Fury about all this. He may be the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. but you and I know he will listen, especially since I think he will also want to understand what happens to his best agent » He murmurs softly. « Let's have dinner and go, okay? »

« Okay… » 

They go to the kitchen where the other avengers are already preparing food. A delicious smell of tomato sauce floats in the air, mixed with a sweet scent of sugar and raspberry. 

« Please tell me Wanda cooked! » Nat says as she enters the room. 

The Witch turns around, tomato on her nose, while she still mixes the contents of the pan. 

« What do you mean? You don't think we can cook Romanoff? » Tony says to her with a grin.

« Since the last time we had to literally redo the painting... No. Clearly not Stark. » Natasha answers him with a sarcastic look.

Tony pulls out his tongue but doesn't answer. 

« Don't worry, Nat, I'm the one who cooked. I am done with having tomato all over the walls, thanks » Wanda jokingly tells Natasha. 

Natasha smiles as she sits next to Clint on the couch. 

« Please Wanda » Tony says, looking at her like a beaten dog, « Don't get into it too » 

Wanda laughs softly before focusing again on the pan. Natasha tilts her head back and closes her eyes, trying to get rid of the sense of urgency that compresses her chest. 

« It is ready! » Wanda suddenly announces to the cantonade. 

Pouring her sauce into a huge bowl, she deposits a huge plate of pasta as well as salad and cutlery, all this simultaneously with her powers. Natasha must admit that she is still fascinated by the telekinetic abilities of the young woman, who never lets anything down. 

« It’che Delichious Wanda! » Steve exclaims, a huge bite of pasta in his mouth. 

« I agree with the Captain, it's really good! » Tony adds. 

Although she must admit that Wanda's dish is indeed delicious, Natasha doesn't have the heart to eat. She has nibbled only two bites and plays with her fork, lost in her thoughts. Steve cannot help but look at her and gives Wanda, who has also felt that something is wrong, an inquisitive look. 

« So, what movie for tonight? » Tony asks. 

« Whose turn is it to choose? » Clint says frowning.

« Wait, last time Steve chose... So today in theory it's Lady Natasha’s turn to choose » Thor answers.

Natasha doesn't reply, totally lost in her thoughts. 

« Nat...? Natasha? » Wanda calls her. 

« Hmmm? » Natasha suddenly straightens her head up. « Yes, what? » 

« The movie? It's your turn to choose. » Wanda explains it to her with an interrogating look. 

« Ah uh... Peter Pan » she lets out without thinking. 

« Oh, » Tony exclaims, surprised, « I wasn't expecting this one, but why not after all, » he adds, shrugging his shoulders.

Fifteen minutes later, here they are, all in front of the TV, sitting more or less normally waiting for Clint to start the film. Natasha is sitting on the edge of the sofa, Steve sitting next to her but slightly spaced. Wanda lies on them, her head on Natasha's lap and her legs stretched out on Steve's lap. Natasha plays unconsciously with Wanda's hair, a movement they started doing during one of their long movie nights with the team and that soothes them both. Thor and Bruce are on the sofa to their left while Tony, Clint and Vision are on the sofa to their right. As usual, Tony and Clint caught a huge bowl of popcorn now sitting on Tony's lap with a glass of juice for Clint and a glass of milk for Tony. 

« Babies… » Natasha thinks as she watches them swallow popcorn. 

Clint plays the movie and soon, all eyes are captivated by the screen. As Peter is about to save Tiger Lily who is trapped underwater, Natasha has great difficulty keeping her eyes open. She keeps thinking of Carol, still on the operating table, being healed by the doctors who take turns at her side. Natasha is willing to defy Fury's ban, but doesn't do it for the simple reason that she doesn't want to get Steve in trouble for not being able to keep her away. Natasha is desperately trying to fight sleep, but her head is so heavy that she feels like it is weighing tons. 

« Peter wait for me! » Wendy screams on the screen.

_« Tasha, wait for me! » a voice shouts. _

_Natasha turns around and stops, waiting for the person to join her. A young woman joins her, and Natasha feels her heart skipping a beat. The young woman smiles at her._

_« You promised you'd wait for me! » Carol reminds her with a sulky face. _

_Natasha smiles._

_« I wasn't very far away! » she says laughing. _

_She reaches out her hand and caresses Carol's cheek gently. Carol smiles and takes Natasha's hand in hers before moving on. Natasha aligns her steps with Carol's, intertwining their fingers. _

_« So this weekend, is it your turn to come over or is it mine? I can't remember! » Carol asks. _

_« This weekend I'm coming! It's your birthday, your 15th birthday, I remind you! » Natasha answers, rolling her eyes. _

_« Oh well, I forgot… » Carol mumbles._

_« You're cute when you sulk, you know that? » Natasha smiles. _

_« Oh, yeah? I'll sulk more often then… » Carol replies with a machiavellian smirk . _

_« Do this and you'll never get your gift! »_

_« Oh, no, please, Tasha, » Carol begs her with puppy eyes. « Tell me what it is! » _

_Nat has a hard time resisting this look and Carol knows it very well, using this weapon perfectly and without any scruples. _

_« Oh, no, young lady, I won't say anything! I can only say that there is a gift already bought and let’s say, a more intimate one… » Natasha announces, glancing at Carol. _

_Carol blushes instantly, her heart beating faster to Natasha's innuendo. Suddenly, Natasha stops. Surprised, Carol looks at her frowning. _

_« Tasha? What is it- »_

_« Shh! » Natasha orders her, placing one hand on Carol’s mouth to prevent her from speaking « We are being followed »_

_As soon as she utters this words, eight men appear around, completely surrounding them. Tensing all the muscles of her body, Natasha stands in front of Carol, reaching out with an arm in front of her to protect her. _

_« Do you remember the moves I taught you? » Natasha asks Carol discreetly. _

_Carol nods her head. She remembers perfectly all the fighting positions Natasha has taught her since they met. As Natasha says, « I will always protect you but I need to know that you also know how to defend yourself to sleep well » so Carol learned all the lessons. _

_« Good » is all Natasha can say before the men throw themselves at the two young women. _

_Even before the first one reaches them, Natasha has already grabbed and broken his arm, sending him to the floor screaming in pain while Carol sends a circular kick directly into the second one's head. Countering the blows and responding as best they can, the two lovers defend themselves, when Carol suddenly feels something piercing her arm, making her scream in pain. _

_« CAROL! » Natasha screams, running to join her. But as she is about to reach her better half, two powerful arms clasps her and it is impossible for her to escape. She watches helplessly as two men lift a faint Carol and carry her away with them as a wave of panic sets in the hollow of her stomach._

_« DON'T TOUCH HER, YOU BASTARDS! » she shouts, kicking in the air. _

_« Don't worry, you'll see her again... After all, we're taking you both to the same place. The doctor wasn't wrong about you two... You're going to be perfect. » _

_Natasha frowns at his words, before feeling a needle piercing her arm and plunging completely into the dark. _

*** 

« Nat… » 

Natasha growls slightly as a voice resounds in her mind. 

« Natasha! » the voice shouts louder. 

Returning to her senses and probably scaring the shit out of all the Avengers, the spy makes a perfect back salto from the couch and pulls out two pistols pointing them at her comrades, adopting a perfect fighting position. The Avengers look at her, slightly worried about what will happen next. 

« Natasha, it's just us, please lower your weapons » Wanda whispers gently, trying not to pressure her. 

It takes a few more seconds to Natasha to realize that there is no danger waiting for her before she gives up, much to everyone's relief. Natasha closes her eyes and breathes deeply, trying to evacuate the panic that is still present in her stomach. She lets herself slide along the wall, suddenly feeling weak. 

« Can someone explain to me what just happened? » Tony asks, true to himself. 

Immediately, all eyes turn towards Natasha who, despite her closed eyes, feels it very well. 

« Just a nightmare… » she mutters. 

« It must have been pretty hard then because you were moaning… » Steve said to him. 

« I was what? » Natasha looks at him, stunned. 

« You moaned... Snippets of sentences. Something like 'not her... let her go, take me instead’ » 

Natasha sighs loudly and gets up again. 

« As I said, it's just a dream. I'm sorry I attacked you. » 

« It's okay, Nat, don't worry about it, » Wanda says, with a smile on her face. 

« Speak for yourself, I almost died of a heart attack! » Tony exclaims. 

« That's enough, Tony! You're not dead, so shut up for once! » Wanda scolds him, hitting him on the shoulder. 

Tony opens his mouth, taking a shocked expression but adds nothing.

« Are you sure you're going to be okay, Natasha? » Steve asks her. 

Natasha nods her head. 

« I think I'm going to go to bed... It's been a long day » she says as she walks towards her room. 

The Avengers greet her as she leaves the room. She opens the door to her room before collapsing on the bed, unable to take one more step. Not even bothering to slip under the sheets, she turns on her stomach and squeezes the pillow underneath her. It only takes her a few minutes to fall asleep, her mind still tormented by her nightmare and Carol's vision still on the operating table.

***

_Pain is a familiar feeling. For once, it's almost reassuring to feel it. Proof that I'm still alive. It remains to be seen where. All I remember is the warmth of two arms surrounding me. The feeling of security that has spread throughout my body. The irrepressible desire to stay against her forever. Natasha. It was her first name I think, and Steve was the name of the man who was with her. By concentrating a little, I can still smell her, but it’s almost gone. Her heat has also vanished, leaving a big void on my skin, even more intense than the floor of this cell that has seen me every day for almost eleven years. Why? Why this feeling of emptiness? Is it because she is the first person I have seen in eleven years outside of my torturers? I don't know, I really don't know. Everything is black in my mind. The only images I see are those of the machines on which I spent hours lying down, praying to death every second to come and get me. I hear voices in the distance. Pressured voices. I try to move my hand but it's impossible, my body doesn't respond, doesn't obey me anymore. Flashbacks come up, men come in, kneel down and hit me before taking turns doing their business with me, while I am powerless, my body paralyzed by pain. I feel my heart accelerating. Suddenly, everything becomes stronger, more real. So is the pain. My whole body is dying, and every breath is an ordeal. My back hurts, as if a thousand needles were piercing it from all sides. My ribs hurt me, and I feel the bruises running through my body every time someone touches me, letting a plaintive moan escape my lips. Panic sets in inside me, making my heart go wild. Several voices suddenly resound. _

_« She's showing signs of awakening! » _

_« This is not normal, she's sedated! »_

_« She's in tachycardia! I need a resuscitation cart, NOW! » _

_« Her blood pressure is dropping! I need morphine and saline! » _

_« There's blood, where the hell is it coming from!? »_

_« One of her wounds has reopened! Internal bleeding!»_

_« Scalpel! » _

_I feel something piercing my skin, but among the general pain, it's just a splinter. As I try to breathe, intense pain, more intense than others, surrounds my chest and heart. _

_« SHE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK, RESUSCITATION CART! »_

_« I'm starting compressions! » I hear a voice saying as two hands press hard on my rib cage. _

_« Charge to 200! » _

_« CLEAR! »_

_A strong current flows through my body and my back arches against my will before falling back roughly on the table._

_« Still no pulse! »_

_« Again! Charge to 400! »_

_The voices are going away, as my body rises again. Gradually, I lose my senses again. And soon, it's the complete darkness that surrounds me again. _

***

« NOOOOOOOOO! » Natasha screams as she stands up on her bed, her body sweating and shaking. 

Her whole body is full of adrenaline and she automatically knows what's wrong. She rushes out of bed and violently hits Steve who was about to run in. The shock sends them both to the ground. 

« Ouch! What is it- » Steve exclaims, surprised, « Natasha, are you all right? » He asks, his voice pierced with worry as he looks at her and helps her to get up

Natasha grabs Steve's hand, her body still shaking. 

"S-Steve, it's Carol there was something- I have to go, I have to go, please, I have to go! » she begs him. 

Steve is distraught. Never before had such distress escaped from the young woman. She who usually perfectly controls her emotions appears fragile and lost. 

« Natasha, I'm sorry, but I can’t… » he starts to answer her. 

Immediately, Natasha's eyes start to shine and her breathing jerks. She comes closer to Steve, shortness of breath. 

« If she... I beg you Steve, I have to see her, I have to see her, something has happened! » Natasha begs him, approaching again before grabbing him weakly by the arm. She tries to push him to move forward, but Steve locks her in a comforting embrace like only he knows to do. He feels his shirt getting wet with Natasha's tears, tears of frustration and also because she is clearly at her wits' end. 

« Nat, I can't take you... But we can go to Fury and ask him about Carol and ask him to give you a visit. I don't think he'll refuse. »

Natasha nods weakly. Steve then takes her hand and guides her through the corridors of the HQ, towards the office of the director of the S.H.I.E.L.D.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I am really sorry I know it’s been ages but I am back! More chapters coming soon I promise <3 as usual give your reviews :)


	5. A connexion

« I TOLD YOU THERE WAS A PROBLEM, STEVE! » Natasha screams as she rushes towards the door of Fury's office, only to be blocked by Maria a second later. 

« LET GO OF ME, MARIA! » Natasha shouts, trying at all costs to escape the brunette's grip. 

Steve looks at the scene, incredulous. After going into Fury's office, they were welcomed with bad news, confirming Natasha's feelings. While the surgeons were operating on Carol, she had had a heart attack and although the doctors were able to stop her internal bleeding and revive her, she is now in a coma. She had just heard the news that Natasha felt her heart split in two and her stomach turned in a mixture of guilt, anger and sadness. 

« Agent Romanoff, I must ask you to keep your cool! » Fury exclaims. 

« Natasha, please calm down… » Maria whispers in her ear. 

« HOW CAN I CALM DOWN WHEN SHE'S IN A COMA? I TOLD YOU THAT I HAD TO BE HERE, THAT I HAD TO PROTECT HER BUT NOBODY LISTENED TO ME AND NOW SHE IS BEEN BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH AND I WASN’T HERE TO PROTEC- » Natasha continues to scream before freezing sharply, her features deformed by sudden pain. 

Worried, Maria releases her. 

« Natasha, are you all right? » she asks the redhead, frowning with worry. 

« I don't feel very well… » Nat answers, her face as pale as snow, before collapsing to the ground. 

« Natasha! » Steve rushes towards her and gently lifts her into his arms. 

« I'm taking him to the medical wing, » he says to Fury before rushing out, not even waiting for his approval. 

When he arrives, he puts her on a stretcher while nurses are already busy around her. Fifteen minutes later, the doctor comes to see Steve who is patiently waiting in the break room to give him news. 

« She's fine, » he tells him directly as he sees Steve opening his mouth, « but she's been under too much stress and strong feelings in a very short time and it's gotten on her nerves. Her brain has been pushed to overload and it has simply put himself into standby mode. » 

« It's my fault… » Steve murmurs, « I didn't listen to her even when she talked about her feelings about Carol. I should have let her see her, to hell with Fury's orders. »

« Don't feel too guilty, Rogers. All she needs is rest and above all, she needs to talk about what bothers her. She's under extreme stress. She has to evacuate it, by one way or another. »

Steve sighs. Knowing Natasha, the way to evacuate will probably include punches and injuries to the training room, certainly not speech therapy. 

« How long before she wakes up? » A deep voice interrupts them. 

« It should not be long now, Mr. Director, ten minutes at most. » 

Steve turns around, facing Fury and Maria. 

« I know what you’re thinking Rogers and for once, I think we both agree that an oral explanation is more important than a sports session. »

Steve nods his head. 

« All we have to do now is wait for her to wake up » He points out. 

« Let's wait then » Fury answers nonchalantly. 

***

When Natasha wakes up, two sensations immediately reach her. The first being acute head pain and the second a feeling of deep anxiety that once again shakes her stomach. 

« Carol! » she exclaims as she gets up all of a sudden, scaring Steve to death as he watches her from his chair placed by the bed. 

« Shhhhh, Natasha, it's all right, you're in the infirmary » he tries to calm her down by putting his hand on her arm. 

« No, I'm not- Carol… » is all the spy manages to whisper. 

« She's fine, Agent Romanoff. Miss Danvers has currently been placed in a room on the same floor as yours and Rogers'. She is still in a coma but her condition is stable and the doctors believe in her waking up soon » Fury explains as he enters the room, Maria right behind him. 

Steve looks at Nat as she lets out a sigh which she seems to have held back for a long time. Sudden tears of relief and decompression form in the corner of her eyes and Steve gently grabs her hand and she shakes it back with a slight smile on her face. 

« That said, » Fury continues « her condition is not the only one that worries me right now so » he walks forward and sits in a chair next to Steve « I'm listening to you Natasha » 

Natasha takes a deep breath, uncertain of how she should begin her explanations. 

« As I've already told Steve, I don't know what's going on. Since Carol was found on this base, everything's been confusing. All I know for sure is that I have an ongoing need to protect her. Being away creates a huge sense of urgency and stress in me and it distracts me » She looks at Fury in the eye, « I felt it Nick. I felt when Carol fell into a coma. It woke me up and that's why we were going to your office. I want to know what's happening to me. » she says firmly, still looking at her superior. 

Nick stares at her for several seconds before making his decision. 

« I suspend you » he announces in a deep voice. 

Steve turns his head, looking successively at Fury and Natasha, the tension in the air being so palpable that Steve could almost touch it physically. Five endless seconds pass, leaving Steve free to imagine scenarios, from Natasha trying to escape by force to Natasha screaming her disagreement. However, of all the scenarios considered, Steve finds himself in front of the only one he has not imagined. Looking at Fury, Natasha lets her head fall back and nods weakly while closing her eyes. Certainly, she is furious to be pushed off the field. But she knows she's not at her best. A mission far away could lead to her devolution and even her death, her thoughts being permanently fixed on Carol. Moreover, being far away from the young woman is more frightening to Natasha than a simple suspension order. 

« I'm suspending you, but I'm still have a mission for you » Fury adds. 

Natasha reopens her eyes and Steve detects a hint of curiosity in her look. 

« Until we find out exactly what is affecting you, I'm entrusting you with Miss Danvers' protection. For some reason we don't know, the entire USB key could be decrypted except for the rest of Carol’s file and another unknown file. HYDRA experimented on this young woman, I want to know why. In parallel, Hill has already notified Stark and Banner who will come here for tests on both of you. No field, no exit without my authorization, is that clear? » He says firmly. 

Natasha allows herself a slight smile. 

« Crystal clear, sir, » she replies, as the weight on her shoulders gradually disappear. 

She feels like she's breathing again. Steve can already see the colors reappear on Nat’s cheeks and her legendary enthusiasm returning. 

« Thank you, Nick, » she lets out as Fury is about to go out. « I owe you one. » 

« Turn back to your normal self and we'll be even, » he says simply before leaving.

« He's worried, you know. Like all of us » Maria says looking at Natasha once Fury is gone. 

« I know… » the redhead replies, grinning, « in my defense, I don't know what's going on any more than you do and I don't like it, especially when it affects my ability to work. But I trust Bruce and Tony, they'll find out. Let's just hope they don't blow anything up by experimenting on me » she says with a smile on her face. 

« Please, try to contain them, » Maria begs her « last time, it took me almost three days to calm Nick down. He was unbearable, constantly mumbling "irresponsible" or "adult body, adolescent mind" and I would like not to try it again please. » 

Natasha and Steve let a laugh escape. 

« By the way, Nat, Carol's in the room next to yours » Maria adds, « A nurse is due in twenty minutes for a check-up. »

« Thank you Maria » Natasha replies, a sincere smile on her face. 

Maria nods before going out again. Steve looks at Natasha lost in thought, probably already thinking about the security plan to install around Carol. 

« So? How many guards? » he asks smiling. 

« Huh? Oh! » Nat exclaims with a little laughter, « None, I don't trust them. I'm thinking about doing a 310, with the help of who you know and with the back-up team if ever. »

Steve nods his head. A 310, that sounds like Natasha. A 310 simply means close and exclusive guard, in other words, Natasha will be like Carol's shadow, never leaving her without ever being seen and will therefore provide protection alone with the help of J.A.R.V.I.S. with of course the Avengers informed in case of need of reinforcement. Despite their colossal work to close all HYDRA bases, Steve is firmly convinced that the organization is still operating in the shadows despite its small staff and is probably trying to act against them at this very moment. 

« What do we do then? » Steve asks her

Almost instantly, Natasha jumps out of bed, making Steve jump. 

« Wow, you're back in shape as I can see! » he shouts with a laugh. 

Natasha makes a face and pulls out her tongue. Steve stands up, facing the young woman. 

« Let's go see Carol? » he suggests gently. 

« Let's go see Carol, » she answers with a smile.

***

The first thing that strikes Natasha when she comes in the room is the pallor of Carol's skin. White, almost translucent, it gives the effect of not having seen the sun for ages, which is probably the case given her captivity. Her chest rises gently to the rhythm of her breathing, the only indication that she is still alive. Natasha relaxes slightly at this sight, Carol's chest ulcers giving her more joy than she thought. Although still bruised, Carol’s face looks calmer, more serene, almost at peace. Her long blond hair cascades down along her shoulders, tarnished by the confinement. However, Natasha can easily imagine their original color and she would lie if she said that this color does not suit her perfectly. Letting her gaze descend on the sleeping young woman's body, Natasha notices the swelling on her ribs and must once again repress a deadly outburst of anger. She breathes deeply before turning around and looking around the room. 

« J.A.R.V.I.S? » 

« Yes, Miss Romanoff? » 

« Miss Danvers' vitals, please. »

« Her blood pressure is 100/70 mm Hg. Average of 16 breaths per minute. Pulse 80. Vitals are stable. Do I need to do a more detailed examination? » 

« No, thanks, It’ll be fine. What security measures are in place here? » Natasha asks as she moves through the room. 

Not wishing to disturb her in the middle of her reflection, Steve sits in a chair next to Carol's bed and watches Natasha organize all the security. 

« This room being designed to accommodate the Avengers, it has all the safety features that go with this function » the android responds « armored glass, door secured and armored also with voice control. Detectors are also placed around the room, an additional precaution provided by Agent Hill. As the room is uninhabited, it is still waiting for configuration. » 

Natasha makes a mental note and promises to thank Maria as soon as she has the opportunity. 

« Who has configuration authorization? »

« You, exclusively » 

Natasha sketches a smile. 

« Perfect. Start instruction. »

« Start-up in progress » the voice of the I.A. resounds. « Awaiting instruction » 

« Exclusive access: no one enters without my permission. Not even the Avengers. Deploys the armoured shutters and does not remove them under any circumstances. If there is any emergency, notify me exclusively. If I don't answer, notify Captain Rogers, then Clint, then Tony, strictly in that order. Fury has informed them, so they know wha’s going on. I want an accurate report of Carol's vitals every hour, even when she's awake. I want to be aware of anyone who comes too close to this room. Understand? » 

« Recorded instruction » J.A.R.V.I.S confirms.

"Thank you," says Natasha. 

Suddenly feeling drained of all energy, Natasha takes a chair and sits next to Steve who is still watching her.

« How are you feeling, Nat? » Steve asks softly. 

Natasha doesn't answer right away, her mind torn between her reflex to share nothing and the desire to confide in herself to feel better. Should she tell Steve about the dream? There is something too disturbing in all this to be ignored. And Steve could probably help her see things more clearly, as he always does. 

« The nightmare... The nightmare I had last night when I fell asleep in front of the TV, » she looks Steve in the eye « It was about Carol... or rather Carol and me. We were younger, fifteen years old. We were on our way home, probably after a day of school. Then suddenly, men attacked us. We fought back, but one of them hurt Carol and it distracted me. They captured us and took us away. Then I woke up. » 

Steve doesn't say anything, letting Natasha finish her story. 

« The worst part of it all, » she adds, running a hand through her red curls, « is that it looked real. Much more real than my other nightmares. Like a memory. It was crystal clear, as clear as I see you now. While you and I both know very well that this is impossible. When I was fifteen, I was already in the Red Room. And I don't know Carol. » she lets a sigh escape. She prefers to keep the episode "girlfriend" to herself, as the experience is already quite strange in itself. 

Steve frowns. Knowing Natasha's story, he knows that it is indeed not possible that the two young women knew each other, or at least were friends when they were fifteen. However, if Natasha is telling the truth about her dream, it may mean that someone is playing with the young woman's mind and that doesn't go to the soldier at all. 

« Tony and Bruce will soon be here » he replies gently « they will help you see more clearly, you will see » he says with a voice he wants reassuring. 

Natasha nods with a half smile when noise is heard. Rushing up together, the soldier and spy adopt a defensive position, before looking at the bed where Carol is moving slowly. Natasha immediately rushes to her side, but stays away from the young woman so as not to push her. Carol turns to the side, facing the duo. 

And she opens her eyes.

***

_The air that enters my lungs. That's the first thing I feel when I come to. The feeling of having being crushed under a bulldozer runs through my body. I can feel each of my muscles protesting, screaming in agony after these long months of inactivity. Slowly, things are coming back to me. The cardiac arrest, my body lifting in spite of myself, the current flowing through me. Everything is blurry and at the same time very clear. I hear voices in the distance. Would I have returned to my captivity? In that case, I regret my awakening. Death is better. The voices come to me but it is impossible to identify them. I'm trying to concentrate. There is a female voice and a male voice. The female voice rises again, triggering a pain in my head. Images come to me, blurry and messy. _

_A young redheaded woman walking and smiling in the street. Who is she? Do I know her?_

_The same woman lying sideways on a bed, looking at me with her emerald eyes. _

_She sits in what appears to be a classroom, looking at me from a corner. _

_She holds me in her arms, in that cell that destroyed my being. _

_« I'm your Peter Pan, you're my Wendy, and one day we'll fly away. » _

_And this simple sentence opens my eyes. _

***

The very moment Carol opens her eyes and lies them on Natasha, Nat stops breathing. She doesn't have time to say a word that Carol's survival instinct takes over, making the young woman get up and run away from those she identifies as enemies. Seeking at all costs to put distance between her and the duo, Carol gets up, letting moans and cries of pain escape, and takes refuge in limping and failing to fall at every step into the opposite corner of the room, curling up on the ground and burying her face between her knees. Steve sketches a movement but Natasha stops him immediately, putting one hand on his chest to tell him not to move. Steve nods, indicating that he has understood. Slowly, Natasha takes small steps in the direction of Carol, the latter still in a ball in the corner. Natasha perceives small plaintive moans, each of them tearing her chest. 

« Carol… » she whispers softly. 

Carol immediately lifts her head up and opens her eyes wild, the fear reading in them, curling further into herself. She lets a scream of fear escape and tears appear in the corner of her eyes when Natasha takes another step, further reducing the space between them. Nat freezes, not wanting to put the young woman under more stress than she already is. 

« Carol… » she gently repeats as she kneels down, « you are safe. You're no longer a prisoner. You're at the Avengers' HQ. » 

Carol is still looking at Natasha, the fear having disappeared a little from her eyes. However, the suffering is still present and Natasha feels it very well. 

« My name is Natasha. We found you on a mission with Steve and we brought you back here to heal you. You have many wounds, which need to be taken care of. You had a heart attack last night, which is why your chest must be sore. »

Instinctively, Carol holds her hands to her chest and gently rubs it. Indeed, two circles of pain emerge among her other sufferings due to the electrodes. 

« No one's going to hurt you here » Natasha continues, « We'll help you. But first, I need you to get back in bed. You must not move with your wounds. Can you do that, please? » 

Slowly, Carol chops her head off. Something in Natasha's voice reassures her, makes her feel calm. Leaning against the wall, she stands up and almost collapses because of the pain. Natasha rushes before freezing again when Carol flattens against the wall moaning in fear. She moves away to give Carol space, who step by step, begins to return to the bed to lie down. When she finally manages to do so, she collapses on it, climbing up the sheets to hide up to her nose, letting only her eyes overlook to watch Natasha and Steve. Breathing in slowly, Natasha decides to continue talking with her. 

« Can I... can I come closer? I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to talk to you, I promise you, » Natasha murmurs. 

Carol nods again, expressing her agreement. Natasha slowly approaches and sits on the edge of the bed, on the side opposite Carol. 

« Do you remember what happened there? Do you remember the cell? »

As soon as she utters these words, Carol straightens up in a sitting position and her breathing becomes irregular and jerky, her chest desperately rising to find air. 

« Abnormal increase in heart rate. Her pulse is 180 and she is hyperventilating » JARVIS suddenly announces through their earpieces. 

« Carol, shh, it's all right, forget my question! You are safe » Natasha tells the frightened young woman again, as she tries to regain control. By pure instinct, Natasha raises her palm and hands it to Carol. 

« Concentrate on my hand and voice and breathe, please. You're safe now. I promise you, nothing can happen to you anymore. » Natasha repeats over and over again, praying that Carol will hear it. 

Carol looks at Natasha's hand and then looks up to lock her eyes into the redhead's, desperately looking for comfort.

***

_« Do you remember what happened there? Do you remember the cell? » _

_As soon as the words comes out of Natasha's mouth, flashbacks comes from all sides, taking my breath away. They're here, cutting my mind, bringing back old pains that had disappeared. My breathing jerks off and I feel my heart racing furiously in my chest, banging sharply against my rib cage. _

_« Carol, shh, it's all right, forget my question! You are safe » _

_Nat's voice comes to my ears as I try to regain control. Slowly, I force myself to look at her. _

_« Concentrate on my hand and breathe, please. You're safe now. I promise you, nothing can happen to you anymore. » Natasha repeats to me over and over again. _

_She hands me her palm and I look at her. I'm afraid. But something in Natasha is calling me. It's irresistible. I feel like I know her, although I'm sure I haven't seen her before. Her soft voice, the way she looks at me. I remember her arms now, her arms surrounding me in a protective embrace. I would give anything to feel that security again, to never again have the fear that turns my stomach._

_So gently, I stretch my palm towards hers and look into her eyes. _

***

Natasha watches Carol gently lift her palm. 

« You're protected, » she encourages her, « I'll protect you. I promise you, nothing will happen to you… »

Steve lifts his head and watches them, frowning when Natasha suddenly stops talking. She has lost her smile as Carol's hand gets closer. The two young women look into each other's eyes, as if nothing more existed around them. They are absolutely captivated by each other, while their hands continue to join. Steve is captivated by the scene. Time itself seems to have stopped. Their connection, their attraction are such that Steve could almost perceive them with the naked eye. An incredible aura emerges from the two women standing in front of him, leaving him speechless. Suddenly, Steve notices something. He distinguishes as a golden fluid flying over Natasha's skin, starting from her elbow and intensifying at the palm of her outstretched hand. Too absorbed by Carol, she doesn't seem to have noticed it. The same phenomenon occurs in Carol and it seems to intensify as the distance between the redhead and the blonde decreases. Their hands are only a few millimeters apart, with the golden fluid already joining them. 

« Nat? » Steve tries to warn her, worried. 

No answer from the interested, her eyes still immersed in Carol's. Sensing the danger, Steve tries to intervene, but it is too late. 

The two women touch each other, releasing an incredible surge of golden energy that blew the whole floor apart.  
And everything goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter comes out in a few days ;)


	6. Colored tattoos

_Beep. _

_First sound that comes to me. _

_Beep. _

_Stubborn. Unpleasant. It resonates too loudly in my head. _

_Beep. _

_Another sign that I'm alive. Disappointment. When will it stop? _

_Beep. _

_I don't count the dark periods anymore. But at the same time, the light scares me. Dark is now familiar. Brutal. Violent like the blows of these men on my body, like the electric current that dislocates my bones. No. Stop. I'm no longer a prisoner. I remember. Hospital. Finally, the medical wing. That's what Steve screamed before I went into the dark again. What about Natasha? _

_Beep. _

_The attraction. Yes, that's right! She looked at me and then... Impossible to resist, impossible to run away. Her hypnotic look. Her green eyes, her red hair. God, she's beautiful. Security. That's how I feel when she's here. As if... as if nothing could reach me, nothing could reach us. I feel it right there in my chest. Her presence is a balm to my pain. With a simple glance, with just a few words, she has removed the weight of the last ten years. « I will protect you » she said. Why are these words so familiar to me? I try to search in the depths of my memory, but nothing. The nothingness. Just this obsessive feeling of being a puppet. Not to be myself, that my own body no longer belongs to me. _

_Beep. _

_Why? Why do I feel like I know her so well, like I should hug her with all my might, when I have no memory of her? All the tension, the pain, the fear of the last few years are falling, and the frustration of my empty memory is the final straw that breaks the camel's back. Tears escape from my still closed eyes, flowing down in a stream along my ears to finish their race in my hair. _

_Beep. Beep. Beep. _

_Jerky breathing. My chest lifts up, as if all the buried emotions come to the surface at once and all together. It's too heavy, too intense for my fragile body. The pain comes back too. And more and more tears. I'm cold, my heart on the edge of my lips and my stomach in my heels. _

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. _

_Movement. I feel it around me. More precisely, I feel that someone is approaching. Perhaps it is due to the years of silence listening to the comings and goings in the hallway, recognizing the different types of steps, especially those that whispered in my ear « it's time to suffer again » but anyway, I know when someone is coming to me and definitely someone is. Survival reflex, again and again, and I try to lift an arm - it weighs ten tons - to protect myself even if I know what comes next. My arm is grabbed, twisted behind my back, breaking it almost every time. Routine. But not this time. _

_This time, a warm hand - is it a bandage I feel? - slips into mine and her fingers embrace mine. Another hand gently rests on my forehead, wiping off sweat and then tears with fingertips. _

_Beep. _

_This time, one hand moves the hair that falls on my forehead. This time, a voice whispers comforting things in my ear, waiting as long as it takes for the monitor to return to normal. This time, once my breathing has calmed down, lips kiss my temple, then my cheek before lingering almost too furtively on my forehead. A familiar perfume. Paradise again. Why does she have to turn everything into a sun chasing darkness? An angel. This time, it's not death that awaits me. This time, it is her warm and reassuring body that slips under the covers near me. It is her arms that tenderly hug me, her chest against my back. This time, it's her breathing against mine, her chest rising as I try to reproduce her breathing rhythm with my own. This time, it's her voice that rocks me, leading me into the arms of Morpheus. _

_This time, it is the first time in 10 years that I have fallen asleep without weight on my heart and without nightmares to disturb my sleep. _

***

« I hope it doesn't become a habit! » 

« Tony, for once in your life, shut up » Natasha grunts as she opens her eyes.

Tony and Steve watch her quietly, Tony drinking coffee while Steve looks at her with laughing eyes. 

« Excuse me, but when you and your girlfriend blow up my tower in a golden flood, I have the right to complain, it seems to me! » his face is serious but his voice is by no means severe. Natasha even suspects that the situation amuses him very much. 

« First of all, it's not girlfriend Stark, and secondly, the tower is still standing, I think. So I don't want to hear about this any longer, » Natasha says, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

« Slow down, Nat, » Steve stops her « in theory you're under observation until tonight. »

« So I'm in practically outside now, » the redhead replies as she stands up. 

« Steve told us what happened. Since when do you make magical sparks? » Tony laughs in his coffee. 

Natasha can't help but grin. 

« Damn it, Tony, I don't make magic sparks, I'm not Sabrina the witch. Besides, it's not so much sparks it was more... Let's say some kind of fluid? Same as Wanda. But golden. » 

« As fa as I understood, the fluid became denser as you approached each other and the explosion occurred when you linked your hands"

Steve nods his head. 

« I don't see how that helps the situation right now. » 

« It helps, Romanoff, because that as much as I like to see you play Sabrina, I also like my tower and my labs. So I took advantage of your nap to create something. »

Natasha holds back a growl. What did the billionaire do again? Tony then hands her a thin cloth. A suit to be more precise. 

« The fabric was designed to react exactly like your skin. Once you put it on, you won't even feel the difference. It will prevent incidents like yesterday's. The fabric is airy, does not keep warm, is as elastic as you want and transcribes all sensations perfectly. The only difference is that you're going to be able to touch Carol without blowing everything up » 

For the first time in a long time, the spy is speechless. She would like to find a way out, or even thank Tony, but her brain is blocked and she remains mute. 

« You're welcome, Romanoff » Tony smiles before leaving the room, leaving her alone with Steve. 

Steve watches him leave before he turns his attention back to Natasha.

« How do you feel? » he asks her 

« Honestly? Surprisingly well given the circumstances. Just always that unpleasant feeling of knowing Carol, or at least that I should remember her. But otherwise, I'm pretty good. » she replies, shrugging her shoulders. 

« Tony promised to do tests as soon as Carol gets better, or when she feels like doing them. No pressure. You'll also need your approval since you're responsible for her. »

« All right. I think I'm going to go see her. She's not far away, is she? »

Steve frowns. « Yes, that's right, she's right next door but how- »

Natasha points her finger at her chest. « I guess that's one of the mysteries we'll have to solve with Tony, but I can feel it. I can't describe the feeling any better than that. »

« It doesn't matter, we'll see about it in due course, » he says as he gets up, « I have to go report to Fury on what happened. Expect him to ask to see you »

Natasha grins again. Yes, she suspects that and she would have done well. 

« Nat, he's just worried. I doubt he'll really mind the tower explosion. » 

« Maybe not him, but Maria won't let go of me. You should have seen the first time they sent me on a mission. I destroyed two motorcycles and a car. She called me the destroyer for a month. You have no idea how long it seemed! » Natasha lets go of her frustration « Now, for sure, I'm going to get a new nickname. The wrecker? » 

« I wish I had seen it! » Steve laughs. 

« If I hear the slightest nickname from your mouth Rogers, I'll make sure that even your dentist can't identify you. » 

« Hey! Why does Maria have the right and I don't? » 

« Because she's my boss and technically, killing your superiors can be quite frowned upon. »

« I'm your best friend in theory, that's my privilege! »

« Steve, I swear- » 

« Yes, ma’am! » Steve retorts, rushing out of the room. 

« COWARD! » Natasha screams at him. 

« Cautious! » she hears him answer, a smile forming in the hollow of his lips.

Natasha can't stop the smile that twists her lips. Shaking her head, she turns around and walks to the room where Carol is. A gentle warmth creeps into her chest as the distance between her and the young woman decreases. As soon as her hand lands on the handle, Natasha freezes, all her senses alert. A weak sound comes from the other side of the door and it takes Natasha less than half a second to rush inside, all her muscles in tension. At a glance, she analyzes the part, looking for any form of threat. It is only when she is sure that no one is hiding that she turns her attention to Carol. The blond woman lets out a new whimper, tears rolling in large pearls on her cheeks. This simple vision is enough to provoke in Natasha a strong emotion that torn her stomach. Sadness, anger and an irrepressible desire for murder towards those who caused these tears are felt deep within her muscle fibre. Swearing to herself that she would find them and make them pass the desire to torture people (probably by torturing them slowly, intimately until they beg her to finish them, which she would be happy to do), she quickly undresses to put on Tony's suit and throws her own clothes over it. As she approaches, Carol raises an arm (Natasha's heart tightens more when she sees the weakness emanating from the young woman) as if to protect herself, and Natasha doesn't wait any longer to slip her hand into Carol's, whispering comforting things in her ear. With her other hand, she begins to wipe Carol's tears and sweat off her face, waiting for the young woman's breathing to calm down and her heart rate to drop enough for the connected machine to be satisfied. 

So, only after that, because for once Natasha decides to listen to her heart rather than her head, because for once she selfishly decides that the world can run without her for a while, and especially because it's irresistible, she slips under the sheets next to Carol, pressing her chest against the blonde's back - Why does that feel so right, as if it is the first time she really found her place in this world? - and gently hugs her with her arms. She feels Carol relaxing when she comes in contact with her (another sign that makes Natasha's heart melt a little more) and the weight on her shoulders lightens. Delicately, she presses her lips against Carol's hair, breathing deeply. And for the first time in a long time, Natasha falls asleep and is not having nightmares.

***

_« Why are you doing this? » Natasha asks the scientist standing in front of her, blood dripping down her mouth. _

_It has now been two weeks since their hell began. Two weeks since the pain became daily. Only two weeks and Natasha no longer counts the number of blows she has received or the number of bruises that run through her body. Carol is in a much worse state, unconscious on the iron table next to Natasha, putting her in a state of rage much deeper than anything these men could do to her own body. She trembles with her whole body, fighting against the chains that hold her back. If only she could free herself, she would show them what it costs to attack her most precious possession on Earth. _

_« Untie me and I'll show you what- »_

_Another blow to the jaw keeps her quiet. _

_« And I advise you to shut up if you don't want your girlfriend to get into more trouble. Dimitri here has sensitive ears and hearing bad words makes him particularly irritable and violent. » the man in the white coat retorts, nodding his head at the two-meter gorilla standing in the corner of the room. _

_Natasha clenches her teeth with all her strength, trying to control herself. Something that becomes impossible when she sees the scientist approaching Carol's unconscious body with a needle in his hand. _

_« Stay away from her! Stay away from her, you filthy bastar- » _

_A blow to her stomach takes her breath away and she watches helplessly as the man plunges the needle into her girlfriend's arm. The effect is almost immediate and a long scream rips Carol's throat while her body arches to the extreme, blocked by the chains. Natasha is certain that she will lose herself so much the vision tears her mind. She pulls over and over again on the chains, purple traces visible on her wrists where the chains enclose her. _

_« You better save your strength. You'll need it » the man tells her. _

_Natasha doesn't answer, just staring at him with a hard look. Carol stops screaming and falls back on the table, with little sobs escaping her at times. Natasha can only pray that she is all right, as far as be all right can be in this situation. _

_« Why? » she asks again. _

_The scientist freezes for a moment before looking at her. _

_« We are at the dawn of a major scientific creation and we needed both of you to make it happen. » _

_« Why us? We have nothing special » _

_"On the contrary, my dear. Do you really think that we don't know what's hidden in each of your hips? »_

_Natasha can feel her heart missing a beat. How can they know when this secret is known only to her and Carol? Because down her hip and her lover’s, engraved with a fine line on their delicate skin, there is a mark that has been there since they were born, since they made their first cry. For Natasha, it is a pink hatched peony, as well as three words « higher, further, faster », words that took on their full meaning when she met Carol. The determination and « look at me do what you say I can't do » attitude of the young woman was such that Natasha knew on the spot that there would be only her for the rest of her life. She didn't even try to resist the attraction it had between them, succumbing at first sight to Carol's brightly pure irises. It only took them two days to talk to each other, ten days to really become friends, fifteen days for their first date, twenty days for their first kiss. And whoever was in the same room as them could not deny the inevitable aura that surrounded them, nor the fact that these two were probably what others called soulmates. There are very rare cases in the world of people born with a mark that matches their soulmate. If it is already difficult to have a mark, finding a soulmate is not guaranteed either and it often happens that people die without having found it. Carol's mark is also on her hip, but unlike Natasha, it is a scarlet red rose and a phrase « you are not alone ». Natasha did not have an easy childhood. Her parents died when she was very young and she was moved from home to home where most of the time she was either beaten or turned into a cinderella. As soon as she was old enough to take care of herself, she went away and started a new life at the age of 12. She was lucky enough to run into an old lady living alone on the street while she was trying to find food and the lady had taken her in like her own daughter, allowing her to go to school and offering her a home. When the lady died two years later, only two months before she met Carol, Natasha had inherited all her property and modest fortune, allowing her to support herself without leaving high school. When she told Carol about this, she almost broke under the sad and loving gaze of the young woman, who then kissed her like never before, and even made their first time together that night._

_« As far as we know, you are currently the only two soulmates in the world to be reunited and this is essential to our plan » the scientist's voice suddenly resounds. _

_« So keep me but let her go » Natasha growls. _

_« No, no, no, no, Miss Romanoff, » the man replies, a slight German accent piercing his voice « it takes two beings for our creation. A weapon of mass destruction, the ultimate weapon. You should be honored to be part of such a project. »_

_« Honored to be tortured and to see my soulmate dying slowly? » Natasha hisses between her teeth. _

_« If that's all it is, don't worry, Miss Danvers' death is not on the agenda. These are just a few basic tests to prepare your bodies. Anyway, you won't remember anything soon, neither of you. You'll just be two more puppets in our gears. » he says with a sadistic smile. _

_« I'd like to see that… » Natasha mumbles, looking at her love « I will never forget her » _

_Undaunted, the scientist approaches her with a syringe with a content similar to the one he had just injected into Carol. _

_« Darling, you have no idea what's possible » he simply answers before sticking the needle into Natasha's forearm. _

***

« Report, Agent Romanoff »

A few days later, here they are again in Fury's office, who had demanded a report on what they decided to call the "golden accident" ( or the Natasha-acts-like-a-witch accident as Tony so often likes to remind them). And as she feared, Natasha detects a gleam in Maria's eyes that she doesn’t like, she stares at her, knowing very well what it was all about. 

« Carol is better. She can't yet eat complete meals, but it's no wonder when you've been deprived of food for so long. Despite everything, she remains very weak, doctors say that it will take several months for her to heal, even physically. I'm not even talking about the mind. She refuses to let anyone but me approach her, especially men. Steve was with me yesterday and she had a panic attack the very moment she saw him. She is more tolerant of women's presence, since she supported Wanda's presence yesterday, although she had to stay at the other end of the room. She doesn't speak, not a single sound. »

Fury sighs. 

« So no tests for several months » he assumes aloud.

« At least not on her. On me on the other hand, maybe we can set up some tests when Carol is asleep, with J.A.R.V.I.S on standby to warn us as soon as something abnormal happens. » 

Fury nods, seems to approve of the idea. 

« I want the tests to start next week. The more we know about what's going on, the easier it will be to deal with the situation. Anything else you want me to notice? »

Natasha exchanges a furtive, uncertain look with Steve about what she should do. The latter gives her a look of encouragement, urging her not to hide anything. She sighs before lowering her suit to her waist, exposing her hips. There, on her hip, a beautiful pink peony stretches out, the colors more vivid than ever. Maria frowns. 

« But I thought that- »

« Yes, » Natasha cuts her « it was black and white and I always thought it was the Red Room that had carved it for us all. However, the colors appeared just after... the accident. And then I thought… » 

« You thought maybe it was a soulmate mark and Carol could be yours » Maria finishes for her. 

Natasha nods her head slowly. « This could explain the connection I feel with her and the urgent need for protection, even if I am convinced that there is more. » 

« Does Carol have one? This could affirm or refute this theory » Fury intervenes. 

« The doctors did notice a tattoo on her hip when they operated on her, a rose, but he was bare of any color. No one has looked since. »

« I want you to try to see if the colors have appeared or not. This could guide Stark and Barner on more targeted experiments and save time. »

« Understood. » 

« Good. That'll be all Natasha. Let me know if anything important happens. »

With one last nod, Natasha and Steve both leave the S.H.I.E.L.D. Director's office. 

« Are you going back to Carol? » Steve asks. 

« You know I can't leave her too long. She's going to have a panic attack or have nightmares and by absolute mystery, I'm the only one who can calm her down. »

« Mystery not so absolute if you take into account the history of soulmates. »

Natasha shakes her head. « Do you really believe that, Steve? Honestly, I doubt it. I... I don't deserve to have a soulmate, not with everything I've done. I'm covered in blood, there's no way something this pure can happen to me. It's probably just a consequence of the accident. I don't deserve a soul to settle with, let alone an angel as pure as Carol… » 

If Steve wasn't looking at Natasha, he would probably have missed the imperceptible sadness and restless disappointment in her eyes. But he did see them, and he is beginning to seriously doubt the nature of the ex-assassin's feelings towards the blonde. 

« I know you're not going to believe me, but... I think that as surprising as it may seem, you deserve a soulmate and that opposites attract each other. Don't you think Carol could be your redemption? »

« There is no redemption for people like me Steve. You've lived your whole life on the good side… You can't understand. » she says to him, accelerating her pace. 

Steve doesn't answer, letting her go away. Maybe she doesn't see it yet, but Carol's presence has already started to change Natasha's behavior (apart from possessiveness and extreme protection of course). She reveals a softer side, another facet of Natasha that neither he nor Clint had ever seen before. He had already noticed it a few days ago, when he and the archer found her cuddled against Carol on the bed in the medical wing. They had exchanged an incredulous look, because Natasha had never slept with anyone before. She told them that she did not trust people enough to let her guard down in the presence of strangers. But if Carol has this power, for Steve it can only mean one thing: the two women share a connection that is already beginning to unravel and Steve vows to do everything possible to clear up the mystery surrounding Carol and her relationship with Natasha as quickly as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be the last chapter before a little while! I have exams still going on and I need to update my other stories as well :) I hope you liked it and I hope I’ll be back soon


	7. You

« Are you hungry? » 

Just one nod. No.

« Thirsty? »

Another nod. No.  
Natasha sighs. This is what she's been living with for the last three weeks. Two, three sentences are spoken a day and a silence in return. Still not a word, so Nat wonders if Carol was ever gifted with the ability to speak. Nothing new on the tattoo’s side either, since Carol categorically refuses to let anyone else be in the room with her when she's not fully dressed (which Natasha completely understands, having a fairly certain idea of what the HYDRA guards have had to put the young woman through in ten years of captivity. It's no less frustrating not to move forward on that front either, and Natasha has never been a very patient person, so she's starting to seriously consider simply going into the bathroom without any warning). So it's impossible to look at the mark. The only time Natasha tried to look at it while Carol was sleeping ended up in a general panic attack and a sleepless night to calm Carol, to make her understand that no, HYDRA hadn't come back for her and that yes, she was - is - still safe in the tower. Since then, nothing. Nada. However, with Tony's scheduled testing sessions fast approaching, Natasha is feeling slightly better. Probably the prospect of getting a minimum of answers because honestly, even though Tony can be a pain in the ass, if anyone can find answers to their mystery, it's him. 

So that's what her days are all about. The meetings with Fury and Maria. Silent meals with Carol. Training (that's the only thing that's keeping her from going crazy for now). Waiting. Endless. Waiting for what? For a sign, a sound, something that might show her that Carol's getting better, that she's opening up to the world. The fatigue too. Natasha will never admit this, not even under torture, but her heart tightens with the hope of an answer after every question is dashed. Breaks every time Carol wakes up crying in the night. Repairs itself every time the blonde lets her slide next to her under the sheets, their hearts beating in unison as she lets Carol place her head against her chest because she knows that the beating of her heart soothes Carol more than anything else. Jumps every time Carol's lips twist into a tiny smile, a sign she's learned to interpret as a thank you. 

Natasha has probably experienced more feelings since the mission than she has in her entire life. And it's disturbing. The Red Room conditioned her to leave no room for love in her life and even though she has since accepted the friendship of the Avengers and somehow managed to consider them as family, old habits die hard and no matter how many times Steve tries to persuade her that her feelings towards Carol are more than just protection, she denies it all. 

Out of her thoughts, Natasha refocuses again on Carol, who looks at her intensely from the bed she is lying in. Their eyes meet and Natasha grunts mentally as she feels the now familiar warmth radiating from her chest, sending shivers down her spine. Carol tilts her head slightly to the side, her gaze questioning and Natasha shakes her head, letting her know that all is well. She refuses to let her stress get to her. Suddenly Carol taps her right thigh twice with her right hand and Natasha stretches out. In two seconds, she is beside the young woman, slipping in beside her. Immediately, the young woman comes and sits against the redhead, wrapping her arms around her and holding her head in its usual place, her ear against Natasha's heart.  
The two taps are one of the many signs they have developed to communicate, as Carol refuses to use her vocal cords. And the list goes on and on. Snap your fingers = I have to go to the bathroom. A right clap = I'm hungry. Slap each hand = I need a shower. Simple everyday gestures, all transcribed by other gestures. Of course, they have (well, Natasha taught Carol) developed emergency gestures. Clap your hands = uncomfortable situation. Two claps = Danger. And of course, the two slaps of the right hand mean an anxiety attack is coming. And as always, Nat ends up with Carol in her arms. Not that she's complaining about it. However, this time something is different. This time Carol's heart isn't beating a thousand miles an hour. Natasha frowns. Looking at Carol who has closed her eyes, she notices the young woman's... satisfied? smile. And Natasha can't help but wonder if Carol has felt her stress and is fully aware that the hug soothes her as much as it soothes the young woman. But as Carol holds her a little closer to her, she puts all her questions aside and falls asleep, rocked by the steady breathing of the sleepy one in her arms. 

*** 

« Still nothing? »

« Steve, honestly, if there was anything new, you'd know. So if you could avoid asking the question fifteen times a day, that would be fine with me, thank you. » Natasha replies, a little more aggressively than she would like.

« Sorry, it's just... I'd hoped we'd get some results. »  
« We're going as fast as we can. It's a long process. You should know that with Bucky. »   
Steve lets out a gasp when a particularly well-placed kick hits him in the ribs. Currently, in the training room, he and Nat are in the middle of a rather intense hand-to-hand combat session. While sessions with Nat are usually never easy, she seems determined to let go of all her frustration and impatience in the fights. Wanda has already ended up with a broken nose (and only God knows how much Nat blames herself for that, even though Wanda assured her that she didn't hold it against her) and Pietro almost ended his life as a castrated man. 

« I can't wait for the tests with Tony to start. I need answers. Being in the dark is... frustrating. And yet it's beneath the truth. »

« Believe me, you're not the only one who's frustrated. »  
Nat raises an eyebrow.   
« Nat, maybe you don't talk, but your body language is pretty... explicit. You're so tense that Tony practically runs out of the room every time you come in. » Steve adds jokingly.   
« Tony is a baby. I'm not gonna do anything to him! » Natasha retorts, falsely shocked. « Probably… » she adds to Steve's raised eyebrow, biting her lip. 

« You and I both know he wouldn't leave the room alive. Okay, you probably wouldn't kill him, but I think the nurse would still have a job to do if he dared to make an inappropriate remark. That he made it out alive with what he said when he gave you the suit is still a mystery that I can't explain, you know? » 

« He surprised me! » Natasha grunts as she barely blocks a particularly powerful left hook. « It's the first... and last time he's ever done it, believe me. My reputation is at stake. »

« Tasha, no offense, but your reputation with us, and even more so since Carol arrived, is somewhat tarnished, » Steve chuckles. « Who knew the world's greatest assassin was a sweet- OOF! » 

Crashing to the ground, it takes Steve two seconds to realize that in no time at all, Natasha had run him down and beaten him flat with her signature move.  
« Finish that sentence, Rogers, and Tony might not be the only one who has to run out of a room when I get in » she announces coldly, but her eyes are clear of hostility. 

« Yes, ma'am! I think we can leave it at that with practice today, what do you think? »

« I think I'm gonna go do a little sack-boxing. Carol's still asleep, so I'm going to enjoy it a little bit. »  
« All right. If there's anything you need- »  
« Steve, I'm a big girl, you know? » Nat giggles.   
Steve raises his hands in the air in defeat. « It's just to be nice! »  
« I know... Thank you » she smiles softly. 

With a nod, Steve picks up his stuff and leaves. Natasha sighs. Lost in thought, she heads out of the ring and takes two minutes on the bench to dry the sweat from her forehead and drink a glass of water. Then she carefully bands her hands before heading to the punching bags. Getting into position, she collects all her emotions, everything that is bothering her, and sends her fist against the mass of sand in front of her. The impact is such that its echo still resounds a few seconds later. Leaving a satisfied laugh, Natasha lets out her rage and worry, her frustration and confusion every time she hits the bag. She is so absorbed in her activity that she doesn't hear J.A.R.V.I.S. call her once. Twice. The third time is accompanied by an alarm that makes her jump so hard that the bag simply breaks in half. 

« J.A.R.V.I.S. What the fuck is wrong with you? »

« My apologies, Miss Romanoff, but I couldn't get your attention. »

« What's going on? »

« Miss Danvers- »  
« What? What's up? What's going on? Is she okay? J.A.R.V.I.S. Tell me- » Natasha's freaking out as she rushes toward her stuff. 

« No, no, she's fine. She left her room- »

« SHE WHAT? WHY WASN'T I TOLD SOONER? WHERE IS SHE? »

« Miss Danvers is » J.A.R.V.I.S. starts the moment Natasha turns around « - right behind you. »

Natasha freezes. Indeed, Carol is standing in the doorway, her arms wrapped around her fragile form and her gaze wandering through the room, clearly on the lookout for potential danger. Natasha immediately lets go of her things and moves slowly towards Carol. 

« Carol… » she whispers so as not to frighten the young woman. « Carol, - one step forward - Carol, there is no danger here. »   
This time, Carol's gaze falls on her and she gives her a smile that she hopes will be reassuring. The message seems to be getting through as the tension gradually eases off the young woman's shoulders. 

« Carol, » Natasha asks more firmly, but still softly, « why did you leave your room? »  
Shyly, Carol lowers her gaze and fixes it on the floor. Several seconds go by without a sound. Then, much to Natasha's surprise, the young woman throws herself forward to snuggle into Natasha's arms (the strength of the momentum is so powerful that it almost sends them waltzing backward and Natasha is grateful for the first time for her training that helps her standing up in that moment). Instinctively, the redhead wraps her arms around the blonde, while said blonde buries her face in the hollow of her neck, breathing deeply. Natasha feels Carol’s finger tapping in the hollow of her kidneys and as she is about to ask her again why she left, she freezes, having recognized the pattern that is currently playing out in her lower back. Morse code. She waits for Carol to start her sentence again and analyze it. I missed you. Three words. Three words so simple and yet they change everything. That sweep the nascent confusion in Natasha's heart in a split second and replace it with love. At last, with Natasha's idea of love. Certainly, her friendship with the Avengers gave her the first conception of this feeling, but she had never felt this way before. The butterflies in the pit of her stomach, _-love is for children-_ the unbridled palpitations of her heart _-love is for children-_ the air that seems to delightfully leaves her whenever she is in the same room as Carol _-love is for children-_ the call of her skin, of her body that occupy her mind at every moment. The smell of her shampoo, the softness of her hair _-I want to be a child. Let me be a child._

***

_Waking up alone is new. I’m used to this now, used to have her by my side when I open my eyes. I’m used to her breathing slowly in my back, her chest rising softly against mine. But right now, I only meet silence and cold. No warmth to guide me through my waking up process, no breathing rhythm to focus on and copy. And THAT is more terrifying than I thought. Turning around, I realize she isn’t even in the room. Weird. She barely leaves, let alone more than five minutes. And I already feel my panic growing. Walking fast to the bathroom to do my business, I can’t help but wonder: where is she? Has she finally realize I’m not worth it and asked to be assigned elsewhere? Is she away on a mission? As I walk back, a voice comes out of nowhere, scaring me and making me jump of fright.   
« Miss Danvers, I am sorry I scared you. My name is J.A.R.V.I.S. I’m an artificial intelligence created by Tony Stark and designed to help the Avengers. Agent Romanoff told you about me, do you remember? »  
Steading my breathing, I nod once. Yes, I remember. Nat told me he could help me around if she isn’t here. Sitting on the bed, I wait for him to go on.   
« Agent Romanoff asked me to tell you that she is training with Captain Rogers. She will be back shortly. But of course, if you desire to meet her sooner, I will gladly show you the way »  
I bite my lip. Should I? I am so afraid to step outside, meet things new. It’s terrifying. But I can’t ignore the way my body and my mind yell at me to go to her. I miss her. Terribly. So I stand and walk to the door, hoping J.A.R.V.I.S will understand. Fortunately, it looks like he took the hint because the door opens right in front of me.   
« On your left, Miss Danvers. »  
Slowly but surely, J.A.R.V.I.S guides me through the long corridors. I never meet anyone, probably thanks to J.A.R.V.I.S and I’m grateful for this. When I arrive, she is alone, punching a bag. I can’t help but stare. How her muscles flex and stretch with each movement. How sweat slips along her forehead and her spine. It’s like watching a living painting. She is art. I wrap my arms around myself and take a step inside the room. Natasha jumps, J.A.R.V.I.S scared her. She runs to get her stuff, yelling and asking where I am. For one second, I nearly let a small sound out, just to tell her I am here, I am fine. Just so she can stop worrying. But she turns around and freezes when she sees me. My eyes wander around the room, looking at any sign of danger. _

_« Carol… » her voice is so quiet, yet so beautiful « Carol, there is no danger here. »  
Inevitably, my eyes fall on her. She smiles and my heart melts. I feel my fear fading away and she seems to feel it too, as she steps forward once more.   
« Carol, » she asks a bit louder this time « why did you leave your room? »  
I don’t know what to do. I know she expects me to use one of our signs, one she made me learn, but there’s no sign to express what I want to say, what I want to tell her. So I let my instincts take control, and launch myself at her, taking her in my arms. I hear her gasps but feel her arms wrapping around me anyway and everything feels fine in the world again. She holds me, I hold her. Nothing matters more. I tape my message on her back, knowing she will understand. I don’t know where I learned that code and I don’t care. I feel her freeze and then relax, her hold firmer. She understood like I knew she would. Is it because she was the one rescuing me? Is it because she reminds me of an angel? I don’t know. All I care right is how my heart and my head scream for once in the same direction: love. I love her. _

***

Natasha doesn’t know how long they stay like this and she honestly doesn’t care. She feels at peace. After a while, Carol pulls away and stands a bit awkwardly but mostly adorably in front of her. Natasha doesn’t know what to do. It’s the first time they have been out of the room and she knows -feels- how scaring it is for Carol. 

« Would you like… me to show you some moves? I can show you how to stand and some little tricks for you to defend yourself just in case. »  
Much to her relief, Carol agrees almost immediately. She takes her hand and leads her to the mat. She knows she would normally ask for new trainees to take everything off except for sports bra and shorts so she can looks carefully at their stance, but that’s not even something she is going to ask Carol. It would only provoke a panic attack and God knows how hard they hit the young woman. So instead, Nat slips behind the blonde and guides her softly.   
« Here… Bring this arm a little higher… Perfect now rotate your hip so it is aligned with your elbow… Nice! »

For ten minutes, she slowly corrects Carol’s position, the different directions of her members and muscles even though she is surprised. For someone who hasn’t fight in her life, Carol sure has a good base. The corrections Natasha does are usually the one she gives to the trainees after more than a month of training, the very last ones. After she is done, she places herself in front of her and takes the same pose. 

« Okay now hit me with everything you have » she orders « don’t worry, you can’t do more damage than what has already been done, Carol. I train with Steve, remember? » she adds laughing when she sees the hesitant look Carol throws her. 

Carol giggles and Natasha decides that it’s a sound she definitely wants and needs to hear again. 

Without warning, Carol launches forward and Natasha barely blocks the powerful punch coming at her. She gasps in astonishment. Before she realizes it, Carol has already returned to her initial pose, a few meters away. Natasha can’t but look at her in shock. She barely has time to register what just happened when Carol attacks again, this time using her legs. Natasha dodges a few kicks easily but notices that in a better shape (it means not weakened by years of captivity), Carol could probably actually last against her in hand-to-hand combat and even do some damage too. Until something. They have been sparring for a good fifteen minutes, Natasha giving advice here and there, when she feels the frustration emanate from the taller woman. Lost in this sensation, she doesn’t see her coming and lands her back after Carol used her own signature movement against her. She lies there, shocked, completely frozen. Carol runs at her side, eyes full of worry and regrets. Natasha almost hears the burning question that threatens to pass Carol’s lips. She shakes her head to reassure her and stands up.

« I’m fine, I swear. You didn’t hurt me,» she says gently, letting Carol examine her with her eyes and hands. « But- » She is unsure how to formulate her sentence « Where- Who taught you this? I am the only one on Earth who knows it. » 

She has to know. Because if other people are knowing it out there, she might have to reconsider her level of training. She stretches her hand toward Carol so she can answer in Morse Code like she did an hour or so earlier. But Carol just stares at it. And as Natasha frowns and opens her mouth to speak, Carol lifts her head and locks her eyes with Nat’s. 

_« You »_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some improvements here ;) I don't know when I'll be able to update next but I hope you enjoyed it anyway and don't worry! some questions will be answered soon too! until next time dear readers!


	8. Soulmates

_« You »_

_It came out with a raspy voice. Not the way I remember it was. Not the way it resonates in my head. But yet again, 10 years of inactivity must have done some damages to vocal cords. I don’t even know why it came out. I don’t even know why it came out. I didn’t think of it, it just did. There’s just something about her, something about her presence that’s driving me mad. I can’t ignore the way my body heats up each time we are together, which happens to be a lot of times. I can’t ignore the way my chest aches when she isn’t here. _

_« What… What did you just say? » _

_I stare at her as her voice comes out in just a whisper. I can’t answer, not now, not when I am so confused myself. So I stay silent. I wish I could say something, say I know why I said that, but I don’t. I see frustration growing in her emerald eyes and suddenly she grabs my arms, holding them tight. _

_« Come on, Carol! You can’t say this and leave me in the silence again! Why did you say that?? How could I have taught you this?? We don’t know each other! Please Carol just SAY SOMETHING! » _

_Her brusque change of manners scares me and I let out a muffled scream, trying to back away from her. Realizing what she has just done, her eyes shift from frustration and anger to worry and regret. She lets go of my arms and backs away herself, raising her hands to show that no danger is coming. I just hug myself, rubbing my arms where her hands were just a second before. _

_« No… I am so sorry Carol, I didn’t mean to- » _

_She chokes on air as if her emotions are suddenly too much and shut her up. She closes her (beautiful) eyes for a few seconds, probably to regain her posture. My eyes find their way to the ground, waiting for her to compose herself. _

_« Do you know how hard is it? »_

_That simple question makes me look up in one second. _

_« Do you know how hard is it to see you every day? » she asks again « To see you and not being able to help you. To see you there, hurt, and not knowing what to do to fix you? To help you. God, you can’t even imagine how hard your silence is. I am not blaming you, I would never I just… It hurts. It hurts that you’re hurt, it hurts when I see you scared, hurts when you make another nightmare, hurts when I have no clue of what’s going on inside your mind. It hurts and all I can do is watch, feed you and smooth you after nightmares. And seeing you there, not speaking, to telling me how I can help… It’s killing me. Because I have all the feelings inside I didn’t have before YOU and I still don’t know how to process them. »_

_She turns around, showing me her back as her words process slowly inside my head. _

_« It doesn’t make any sense » she goes on, whispering « but I can’t bear seeing people near you. Gosh, that night you had that cardiac arrest a few months back, I thought I was going to lose it. You can’t imagine how hard it was for Steve to contain me. I- I feel you, Carol. Whatever you feel, I’m feeling it too. And it doesn’t make any sense. I know when you’re close or not because my chest hurts so much when I am not nearby » she runs a hand in her soft hair « I still have no clue of what’s going on I just know that… »_

_She hesitates for a few seconds. _

_« I don’t know if I can live without you anymore. »_

_I freeze, tears in my eyes. A whole speech was like a scream of heart, a call to my soul. She is so close and my feelings are so strong that it physically hurts at the moment. She stays still, probably waiting for me to reject her, like I know from what I heard around she has been rejected before. I already know everything she told me. I already know it because I can feel it too. Feel her. Feel that love sending a shiver from the back of my neck to my toes. She didn’t say it explicitly, but there’s no need to. I slowly move toward her and circle my arm around her waist from behind. She tenses up for a few moments before relaxing again. Inhaling her wonderful scent, I leave a small kiss on her neck that sends a goosebump along her arms and spine. She stays still, breathing deeply and regularly. I circle her, facing her. She is still eye-closed. If she wasn’t breathing, she would have looked like a well-made statue. Lifting a hand, I bring it to her face and hesitantly trace her eyebrow. Her skin is as soft as ever. She doesn’t move and I take that as a clue to pursue my investigation. Going further, I trace her features, her perfect jawline, caress her cheek, down to her collarbone. I look up at her lips, the only thing I haven’t explored yet. With my thumb, I brush it carefully and I hear her small gasp. I know what she craves for, because I am craving for it too. Slowly, I hug her waist and bring my face closer to hers until I can feel her breath on my lips. She still doesn’t move, letting me in control, letting me do it at my pace. This alone sends a wave of love in my heart and God, how much I want this woman for me now. Not resisting the urge anymore, I lean forward. _

_And I kiss her. _

***

« You »

A raspy voice. So close to what Natasha pictured, but not it anyway. In the first few seconds, she is too shocked to react. And she doesn’t want to admit it, but Carol’s voice sent in one word a huge heatwave along her body. 

« What… What did you just say? » Natasha whispers. 

Carol doesn’t say anything, just stares back at her. Seeing Carol staying desperately silent, the frustration Natasha has been feeling over the past months rushes back into her veins and nearly makes her chokes on air. On impulse, she grabs Carol’s arms abruptly and yells. 

« Come on, Carol! You can’t say this and leave me in the silence again! Why did you say that?? How could I have taught you this?? We don’t know each other! Please Carol just SAY SOMETHING! » 

The look of fear and the small yelp escaping the blonde’s lips are enough to bring Natasha back to reality. She immediately lets Carol go and take a few steps back, raising her hands to show she means no harm. 

« No… I am so sorry Carol, I didn’t mean to- » she tries to explain.  
  
Air choke again. Natasha closes her eyes. There’s too much to process, too many feelings and she hasn’t been taught to deal with them. Love is a weakness, feelings are a stop. She is not allowed to have this, not her. It would compromise her beyond reason and that’s not acceptable. But on the other hand, she knows she is screwed, knows she is unable to just ignore the burning of her chest. How could she ignore it when there’s just pain when they are apart? Impossible. And maybe… Maybe Steve is right. Maybe she deserves a bit of this, maybe she could allow herself this. She has never been good with feelings and will probably never be. 

« Do you know how hard is it? »

Carol who had looked down looks up again, right in her eyes. In the hazelnut eyes, Natasha gathers the courage to go on. Here goes nothing, she thinks as she opens her mouth again. 

« Do you know how hard is it to see you every day? To see you and not being able to help you. To see you there, hurt, and not knowing what to do to fix you? To help you. God, you can’t even imagine how hard your silence is. I am not blaming you, I would never I just… It hurts. It hurts that you’re hurt, it hurts when I see you scared, hurts when you make another nightmare, hurts when I have no clue of what’s going on inside your mind. It hurts and all I can do is watch, feed you and smooth you after nightmares. And seeing you there, not speaking, to telling me how I can help… It’s killing me. Because I have all the feelings inside I didn’t have before YOU and I still don’t know how to process them. »

Natasha turns around, too embarrassed to show her feeling to face Carol. But even if she tries to restrain herself, her mouth doesn’t seem to stop. 

« It doesn’t make any sense but I can’t bear seeing people near you. Gosh, that night you had that cardiac arrest a few months back, I thought I was going to lose it. You can’t imagine how hard it was for Steve to contain me. I- I feel you, Carol. Whatever you feel, I’m feeling it too. And it doesn’t make any sense. I know when you’re close or not because my chest hurts so much when I am not nearby » she runs a hand in her soft hair « I still have no clue of what’s going on I just know that… » 

She breathes deeply. 

« I don’t know if I can live without you anymore » she lets out. 

She stays still, waiting for the inevitable, waiting to be rejected, to see Carol run away. She scared her and showed her weakness so there’s no chance this scenario won’t happen. Carol would never love her, the assassin with a ledger redder than pure blood. She would never love the cold woman, surely she sees her as nothing more than- arms. Warm, strong arms circle her waist and Natasha tenses. She tries not to, but she hopes, hopes so hard that it means that she is accepted, that she is _loved_. The soft kiss placed by warm lips at the back of her neck makes her shiver. She concentrates on steading her breathing, letting Carol wander around her. She hears herself walking around and stopping in front of her. Natasha doesn’t open her eyes. She doesn’t move, doesn’t do anything. She feels hesitant fingers touching her eyebrow. She doesn’t move either, hoping Carol will understand her silent agreement. She does because she feels fingertips tracing lines all over her face, jaw, and neck. Her lips are next, but she wasn’t prepared for her reaction. Her breathing comes out sharply, as a thumb caresses her slightly parted lips. Natasha craves for it, craves for Carol’s lips on her own, but she knows better than to ask. If they agree to do this, Natasha fully accepts to do this at Carol’s pace, not hers. She wants Carol to feel safe, not pressured. Her heart pounds in her ears as she feels Carol’s hot breathe on her lips. If she opens her eyes, she knows she will find Carol’s face only a few inches from hers. But she is also aware that she would lose control. 

And suddenly, Carol’s lips are on hers and everything else fades. It’s just her, just Carol and her wonderful lips. All control is gone, and she cups the other woman’s cheek softly in her palms as she deepens the kiss. With her tongue, she brushes Carol’s lower lip, asking quietly for permission. Carol doesn’t hesitate to part her lips to give her full access and Natasha can’t shake the feeling of how _familiar_ this situation feels. Carol’s lips move perfectly against her own, hot and wet. Her hands are just the right size to cup her cheek and Natasha loves to think she was made for this. For Carol. She has never been one for labels but hell she wants to label Carol and herself as each other and each other exclusively. Possessiveness rushes in her veins once again and drives her crazy. Unknowingly, she steps forward until Carol is pressed against the wall and presses herself on her. She feels Carol gasping, she hears her heart beating fast and she swears she feels hers beating at the same rhythm, the exact _same rhythm_. A moan escapes her lips when long and thin fingers come up to tangle themselves in her red locks and it takes everything in her to break away from the young woman. 

When she does, a whimper slips from her kisser’s throat and she immediately takes her hand to reassure her. 

« Carol, » she whispers, « tell me it means you want me too. Tell me it means I am yours and you are mine. Tell me I am not dreaming and you won’t reject me later. I can’t- I wouldn’t handle it. I would lose my mind… I… I love you. So much it hurts. I want to kiss you like there’s no tomorrow, hold you to make you feel safe, wipe your tears away when you cry, whispering sweet things like a lullaby for you to sleep, holding you all night so you feel protected, stand by your side against the rest of the world, call you mine and that you call me yours, fucking calling you as my wife, lose myself in your eyes, touch you, your skin, smell your intoxicating perfume, bury my face in your neck, resting my lip inch away from your skin, taking your warmth for myself, surprise you each day with new things, Iove you until the end of my life. I wanna laugh at your jokes, lose myself in your soul, press my forehead against yours, silently communicating, grab your hand to make you feel better, take care of you when you’re sick, yell at people for hurting you, be your number one fan whatever you decide to do. I. Want. You. I want your soul. Please tell me that it means I am yours. »

Carol doesn’t answer, as usual, but she lets go of Nat’s hand to grab unbutton her pants. Slowly, she puts it down her thighs and lifts her shirt. Natasha loses her voice at that point. Here, on Carol’s exposed hip, a scarlet red rose shines bright in vibrant colors. The sentence, « you are not alone », underlines beautifully the curve of her hipbone. Hypnotized, Natasha stretches her arm and brushes it with the tip of her fingers. She traces each letter slowly, appreciating her smooth skin under. Carol looks at her with hopeful, loving eyes and Natasha unzips her suit to expose her hip too. Her pink hatched peony reflects Carol’s rose colors. The two drawings match perfectly, complete each other. And so, almost with an audible cling, a missing puzzle part clicks in Natasha’s mind and she knows. _She knows._

She looks at Carol, and in her eyes, she sees that the young woman knows too. That she is accepted and agrees to be with her until they die. Because that’s why they were born.   
She knows they both know that they are linked forever. 

_They are soulmates._

***

« So she is your soulmate? »

Natasha sighs. It’s been at least the fifth time she has been asked in the last hour and something tells her it’s not the last either. 

« Yes, Steve. She is my soulmate. »

« I can’t believe it. When were you going to tell me?? »

« I didn’t even know it about two hours ago!! »

« Enough, » Fury intervenes « Most important thing is, why does it impact them so much? We have eyes on at least nine known soulmate couples but they do not act as you both do. » he says looking at the two women. 

After learning the undeniable (but beautiful in Natasha’s eyes) truth, Natasha took Carol’s hand and led her directly to Fury’s office, asking for an emergency meeting. Fury immediately called Maria and Steve in, being the only ones beside Tony and Bruce who are aware of the situation. So here they are, all five of them, sitting in the director’s office, debating on what to do next.   
Natasha looks at Carol, who has a silent question in her eyes. She nods to indicate she understood before turning back to face Fury. 

« What do you mean ‘they don’t act as you both do’? » 

« None of them share the things you do. They aren’t hurt to be apart. They don’t feel that possessiveness. None of them has ever felt the other fading away like you did when Carol’s heart stopped. There’s just something… more about you two. »

« That’s the something part I am afraid of, Fury. I want to know what’s going on with us. How is it going with the file we retrieved? » Natasha asks. 

« Carol’s file is still partially encrypted and there’s another file we can’t access. But Tony put J.A.R.V.I.S on it and according to him, we shall have access within the week. »

Hearing her name, Carol tenses up on her chair and Natasha’s head snaps on her right to look at her. 

« When we found you, » she explains « the mission was just to shut down the base, after retrieving all their data. We didn’t expect to find you there. In their data, there’s the file they kept on you. We are trying to enter it to understand why they kept you alive all this time. » she adds softly. 

Carol nods acknowledgedly and squeezes Natasha’s head so slightly Natasha barely felt it. But it was there and she knows it’s Carol’s way to say that it’s okay, that she trusts the redhead. A yawn escapes Carol’s and her lips at the same time, earning a giggle from Steve and an amused look from Maria. 

« Ok, I think we are done for tonight » Fury states « but I want a new meeting tomorrow. We need to discuss further, and about the tests. Tony will be here so it may be easier to plan something and get answers. »

« Fine by me » Natasha answers. She already can feel her eyes closing without her consent, even though she isn’t sure if it’s her who is tired or just Carol’s feeling reaching her again. In both cases, she just wants to crash on a bed and never open her eyes. 

After saying their goodnights to everyone (well Natasha did it for them both but they didn’t mind), Natasha walks with Carol to the latter’s room. They are still in workout clothes, sweat dry on both their neck. Entering the room, she turns to face the blonde woman. 

« Why don’t you go take a shower and I’ll wait for you here? It’ll help you relax and soothe you to sleep, okay? » she suggests, caressing her cheek. 

Carol nods in agreement but doesn’t make any move to go the bathroom, opting to stand there looking at Nat. 

« Is there something wrong, malyska? » Nat asks, frowning. 

Carol bites her lip at the surname and takes one step closer, invading Natasha’s personal space. The redhead freezes, taken aback by the sudden change of energy in the air. She looks at her soulmate as she brings a hand up and caresses the back of her neck delicately before pulling her to her and kiss her lips tenderly. There’s nothing more than sweetness and love in this kiss, and Natasha instantly feels guilty for needing more, _for wanting more_. Too lost in her thoughts, she hasn’t noticed that Carol has made her walk while kissing her, luring the agent into the bathroom with her until her feet hit the cold tiling of the bathroom’s floor. There only, Carol pulls away just enough to look at her in the eyes, and Natasha knows she is too far gone for the fire burning in the hazelnut irises in front of her. She reaches for her jacket’s zip, but Carol stops her. Nat lets her arms fall at her side again and just looks at Carol’s actions. 

Looking at her hands, the young woman unzips slowly Nat’s catsuit, observing each of the partner’s reaction. With her fingers grazing Natasha's skin, Carol exposes her shoulders and presses her mouth against her collarbone, leaving barely touched kisses along her neck, all the way behind her ear. Natasha is now halting, barely controlling the heat increasing in between her legs. Helping Nat getting out of her sleeves, she brings the suit down and Natasha steps aside, letting Carol throw it away. It leaves her in underwear and she can’t help but blush when she catches Carol staring at her. Gently, she grabs Natasha’s hand and brings it to the edge of her shirt, leaving it here with hopeful eyes. Taking the hint, Natasha pulls up Carol's shirt, gradually exposing her white skin. She tries to memorize every detail as her hips appear, followed by her ribs and chest. Completely removing the piece of fabric, Natasha frowns at the sight of the many scars that run through her lover's body. Her hands tremble as she highlights the white marks with her fingertips. She doesn’t even realize she is crying until Carol cups her cheeks and wipes her tears away with her thumbs. In her eyes, Natasha can see fear even if a reassuring smile paints her lips. Tracing Carol’s skin once more, she notices how tense Carol's body is, mobilizing the young woman's strength not to step back and walk away. 

« Please don’t » Natasha whispers. 

Carol gives her an inquisitive look. 

« Don’t walk away, » she clarifies, « I think you’re the most beautiful, mesmerizing creature I have ever laid my eyes on. Your scars are part of you and I am in love with you, so I love them too. If anything, they show how strong you are, my little fighter. So please, don’t walk away, because each one of them is a new reason to love you. »

Carol sniffles and runs into Nat’s arms, burying her face in the crook of her neck. Nat holds her tight, leaving a small kiss on her temple and her hair until she feels Carol relaxing. When she pulls away, Carol grabs the edge of her panties, and Natasha finds herself shivering. Once her panties are removed, Carol unhooks her bra and leaves her fully naked, at her mercy. She steps back and starts doing the same on her until there is nothing on her more than there’s on Nat. Carefully, she leads Natasha inside the shower, turns the water on, settling it at the perfect temperature. Natasha wonders if it’s just a coincidence or if it’s yet another soulmate thing they have in common. 

Seeing Carol underwater is a new form of torture, Natasha decides, but still torture. Droplets are sliding along the perfect curves of her breasts and ass, Natasha is positively soaked by now. Carol is here, naked, a few centimeters away from her, washing her glorious body (which Natasha wouldn’t mind worshipping for _hours-_), completely oblivious of Natasha’s thoughts, and it’s calling her like a deadly siren lullaby. She _stares_ and feels like a fucking pervert for it. 

Carol turns around and doesn’t hide her blush when she sees Natasha’s stare. Natasha sees her closing her legs and rubbing them together, and she licks her lips, already imagining the sweet taste of her. 

« Touch me, please… » 

It’s not loud but it’s enough. Carol’s voice breaks the last remaining of Natasha’s control and in seconds, she is attacking her lover’s mouth aggressively, way too turned on to notice that it''s the second time that Carol talks to her. Their hands are running on their bodies, exploring, _claiming_. Natasha’s hands find Carol’s thighs and she has no difficulties in lifting her. On pure instinct, Carol wraps her legs around Natasha’s waist, allowing the redhead to slam her against the wall. Natasha waists no time and cups Carol’s breast in her hands (once again noticing how perfect her hands’ size is for the other woman) and takes one nipple in her mouth, earning a long moan from Carol. She presses their pelvis together and starts rocking her hips, finally releasing the tension that has been building there for months. Carol wraps her arms around Nat’s neck, and lets her legs down, straddling one of Nat’s muscular thigh. Natasha squeezes her ass and guides her, making her rocking back and forth. Each moan sounds like music to Nat’s ears and she can’t believe she is the one making Carol feel so good.  
  
When Carol’s breath inches, Natasha knows she is close and she brings her thumb to massage her clit, bringing her over the edge with just one pressure.

« Come for me, my love… » she whispers in Carol’s ear, nibbling her earlobe. 

Carol comes silently, shaking in Natasha’s arms who slows her movements but still helps Carol riding her orgasm out. She turns the water off as she holds Carol’s fragile form while the blonde woman catches her breath. She guides them both outside the shower and grabs a towel but she freezes when she feels two fingers teasing her wet folds and makes her knees weak and shaky. She looks at Carol and she knows from the look she receives that they are on for a long night. And as Carol drags her in the bedroom and later when she screams Carol’s name so hard that her voice breaks, she thinks that sleepless nights are the best. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello it's me again! Sorry for the delay but i wrote one chapter of my Romanogers story! I try to do one by week but it's quite hard >.< Thanks for your patience, don't hesitate to comment and give your reviews <3


	9. A dream and a witch

_That’s a long corridor, Natasha decides as she observes it. _

_She stands in a long white corridor which looks like it doesn’t end. The door, the walls… all white and if she is being honest, it makes her nervous even if she doesn’t know why. She has never liked hospitals and the hallway looks like it's from an asylum. But what’s scaring her the most is that she knows this place and doesn’t remember it. Her brain tells her she has been there already but can’t bring a single memory about it. _

_It’s just a dream, she repeats to herself, just a dream. _

_She starts wandering around, determined to find a way out. _

_The first door she opens leads to what seems to be a dormitory. Simple beds in poor condition are lined up along the wall, each with a pair of handcuffs hanging from the headboard. She pushes down to urge to vomit as she recognizes them. The Red Room. They never slept without being handcuffed. Each night, they would be locked to their bed and even if later they knew how to get out of them in five seconds, none of them has ever dared do it. Going out, she closes the door and goes on further. _

_She thought it couldn’t be worst, oh god she was so wrong. Each door she opens leads to another bad memory, another remainder of what she has been through. She sees the mat where she killed a comrade for the first time. She revives the moment she killed a man for her graduation. She feels electricity running through her veins when she steps into the torture room. And the further she goes, the scarier she gets. Never knowing what’s going to be behind the next door. _

_Until that door. The one too much. She opens it, slightly shaking and finds herself facing… herself. Her younger safe to be precise. She mustn’t be older than fourteen. She is tied to a metal table, sensors on her chest and temples. She is fighting, trying to break free. But that’s not the worst, no. The worst part is that Carol is here too, in the same state as she is. Except that she is unconscious and pale, so pale. Her delicate skin is covered with sweat and scars. A wave of raging anger clouds her vision. Murder. That’s the only word she knows right now. She tastes blood in her mouth and she wants to kill, kill, kill whoever put her soul and heart in that state. She opens her mouth and-_

_« Leave her alone you huge bastards! » her younger self screams. _

_She sees herself pull so hard on her restrains that her wrists turn purple. A man approaches Carol’s side and on pure instinct, Natasha lunges forward to stop him but she goes through him like a ghost and hits the opposite wall. She watches, as helpless as her young self, as the man sticks a syringe in Carol's arm and Carol starts screaming again. Her tears pierce Natasha's soul like a thousand sharp, white-hot knives, grind her heart to dust, crush her chest to pieces. She is livid - as livid as young Nat she presumes - as Carol’s cries go on and on and on. _

_« ENOUGH! » she yells, putting her hands over her ears and shutting her eyes close. _

_When she reopens them, everything is gone. No hallway, no torture room, no Carol. She is surrounded by darkness. _

_« You forgot »_

_She turns around quickly. _

_Carol. _

_Adult Carol is here. _

_« You forgot » she repeats, starring at Natasha. _

_« What? What did I forget? »_

_« You forgot me. And by forgetting me, you forgot us. »_

_« I didn’t know you before »_

_« That’s what they want you to believe. But you’re stronger. You promised you would come to me. You did eventually. »_

_« I-I am so sorry Carol I don’t remember- » _

_A sudden scream in her head. A flash. She hears herself saying « We'll fly away, »_

_We will fly away._

_« We will fly away, you told me » Carol goes on « Now you have to remember Tasha. Remember for us. »_

_And she is gone. _

***

In the darkness of night, Natasha wakes up with a loud gasp and a silent scream on her lips. Her heart is pounding in her ears as she takes huge breathes of air. She is covered in sweat, shaking uncontrollably as the ghosts of her nightmare keep walking in front of her eyes. She can still hear Carol’s screams echoing all around her, and she shakes her head on hope to make it stop until she realizes that the whimpers are very much real and coming from her right. She glances down and discerns Carol’s form wiggling around under the covers. She is whispering incomprehensible words and is as much covered in sweat as Natasha. 

« Carol… » Natasha whispers, grabbing the blonde by the shoulders. « Carol, my love, wake up. It’s just a dream Carol, follow my voice baby and wake up! »

With the same gasp that escaped Natasha five minutes ago, Carol awakes and sits up, desperately looking for air. 

« Deep breathes, » Natasha guides her, a hand on her back. « That’s it… deep breathes… »

Carol grabs Natasha’s shirt and clings onto it desperately. Laying back down, Natasha pulls her over her chest, Carol’s ear against her heart as she knows her heartbeat will be able to calm the young woman. They both breathe simultaneously, trying to convey the other some calm. 

_I am here. _

_You’re alive_

_I love you. _

They stay awake, relying on each other. After an hour (maybe it is two?) of silence, Nat’s voice resonates in the room. 

« Do you want to talk about it? It helps generally… »

Right after hearing herself, she bites her lip. Sometimes, she is so stupid she could slap herself. Of course, they aren’t going to talk about it, Carol doesn’t talk-

« Yes, » comes the answer.   
  
Natasha holds her breathe. And Carol starts to explain with a shaking voice. 

« A long white corridor. Doors, so many doors and… and… me. Torture, interrogations. »

While she speaks, her body starts shaking again and Natasha runs her back to smooth her. Because now that Carol is speaking, Natasha’s heartbeat is increasing again, her nightmare coming back with force in her mind. She knows what Carol is describing because she was there a moment ago. 

« Couldn’t take it more, afraid. And then… There was that door. I- I opened it. And I saw… I saw- »

Natasha closes her eyes. She knows. 

« You saw us, didn’t you? » she asks.

Carol nods against her chest. And it clinks in Natasha’s brain. They did the same nightmare, only Carol lived it from her perspective, with her past. But Natasha trusts Carol more than anything and she knows she isn’t lying. And it can only mean one thing. 

What Carol said to her at the end of the dream is true. 

They knew each other before. 

And she forgot. 

***

« No Tony, I am telling you: it’s as real as it can be. Someone played with my- our memories. »

After further discussions with Carol last night, both women established that Carol was as lost as Nat is. She too dreamt about the speech but doesn’t remember knowing Nat either. First thing in the morning (well at what seemed to be a reasonable hour for Nat), she called Fury, Maria, Tony and Bruce to expose their discovery. 

« So you’re saying that somehow, people erased your memories of each other? Why would someone do that? » Tony asks

« Mind control, » Maria replies. 

Everyone stares at her and she sighs. 

« You told it yourself when you joined in, Nat. In the Red Room, they would erase the memories of the hardest ones. It is way easier to control someone empty of any souvenirs. After all, which control can someone have over him or herself who there’s no self anymore? You and Carol are soulmates. There is 99% of chances that they knew that and worse, they probably abducted you for the exact reason if your dream is true. They needed you for a very specific reason, which we have to find. » she concludes. 

Natasha feels Carol’s hand brushing hers and she doesn’t hesitate to take it. 

« So you’re saying… »

« They erased Carol from your mind and you from Carol’s. Probably to control you better. Which doesn’t answer the 'what'. What did they want to do with you both? That’s the question. »

« Maybe, » Bruce intervenes « if they had their memory back, we could make progress. I know it’s probably gonna be painful, but this is the best chance we have. What if, because they knew exactly that they were gonna erase their memories, they explained the whole plan to one of them? Imagine, what if the answers to all our questions are in their mind? »  
A deaf silence ponctuantes his reflexion. 

« So what can we do? Of course, I can try to invent something for their memories but I am not an expert at all » Tony sighs. 

Natasha’s attention is shifted away when Carol pulls slightly on her sleeve. With her finger, she points at Nat’s red jacket. Natasha frowns. Why the red ja-

« CAROL YOU’RE A GENIUS! » Natasha screams suddenly then kisses her deeply. 

It makes Carol laughs. 

« Wanda! » she announces when she turns back to face the others, a huge smile on her face « Wanda can enter our minds and bring the memories back! She already did it a bit when she was fighting along Ultron, she can do it again! » 

A flash of comprehension crosses her comrades’ eyes and it takes only two seconds for Maria to have her phone against her ear, three for Tony and Bruce to move to study brain activity and prepare everything, four for her to kiss Carol again. 

« You’re brilliant, malyska! » she tells her proudly smiling even wilder when Carol hugs her in excitement. 

It’s a relief when she feels it. All the tension that has been built over the months, not knowing what happened is suddenly gone in front of the perspective to finally get answers. She sighs loudly, hugging Carol a little tighter and buries her face in her neck while Carol runs a hand in her hair, caressing her locks softly. 

« Shall we be apart for eternity » Carol whispers against her ear « you would still be the only one I wanna die with. » 

Natasha giggles, a bit overwhelmed by Carol’s cuteness. That’s when she notices how quiet the room has gone. She looks up and meets four incredulous faces. 

« She… she speaks?! » Tony lets out. 

Nat turns her head to face Carol and when their eyes meet, a matching smirk twists their lips. 

« If she wants to » Carol replies. 

Tony loses his voice once again. 

« So… » Maria announces, taking the control of the situation back « Wanda will be here tomorrow. Will you be ready? »

« I think so, » Bruce replies « we shall be ready tomorrow afternoon. »

« Perfect, » Fury says « make sure everything works »

« Yes director »

« I am sorry » Tony shakes his head « are we really going to say nothing about the fact that CAROL SPOKE? » 

Nobody answers him and Tony resumes his jaw-dropping position. 

« Close your mouth, Stark, you’re gonna catch flies,» Carol tells him, still smirking.

« Oh, I like her… » Maria whispers. 

That’s the breaking point for Natasha and she bursts out laughing. 

*** 

A good night of sleep helps everyone getting ready for the big day. Wanda arrived just before lunch and they all shared a meal, Steve is back from his mission just in time for dessert. Even Carol joined the conversation, laughing along with the others and exchanging secrets with Wanda. It makes Natasha incredibly happy, seeing her girl opening to the world again. She is still a bit worried about what they are going to find, but she trusts the people around this table and she knows they will know what to do if things go wrong. Tony and Bruce settled everything in the lab and soon it is time to start. 

« Okay. Nat, Carol, I need you to lay on these tables, your feet opposite each other, your heads side by side. Then I’ll place sensors on your temples to check in real your brain activity. »

At his word, Carol pales a bit and Natasha bites her lip. 

« Something’s wrong? » Bruce inquires. 

« No, it’s nothing serious but… That’s where they put the captors of the electric chair to torture us and since the Red Room I… » 

She can’t go on but Carol nods furiously and it’s explicit enough for everyone to understand. 

« If I only place one sensor? One on your right temple Nat, and same for you Carol. So you can always check on the other and pull it if you’re afraid. »

« It should do » Nat agrees. 

They both lay down in the position Tony indicated and shiver a bit when the sensor is placed. 

« Nat, Carol, » Wanda says softly « What I am going to do isn’t conventional. I am not gonna force your memories out, I am going to enter your minds with you and we are going to explore it like you explore an unknown country. I’ll take us three first into Nat’s mind, to see what we can unlock, then to Carol’s and back to Nat’s, etc. until we unlock everything. It can be long, it depends on how long you’ve forgotten or what they did to you. But I believe that seeing each other memories will help you unlock your own and slowly, barriers will fall like dominos. » she smiles softly. 

« Okay, Wand, you’re up! » Bruce announces « we are ready »

« Let’s get started then »

Wanda closes her eyes. Turning her head to the side, Nat’s green orbs meet Carol’s anxious ones. She smiles, silent reassurances on her lips. Carol nods once and closes her eyes as well. She sees red strings enveloping Carol’s head. 

Time for some mind games. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see oh god! But it's here now and i hope you'll enjoy it! ;) stay safe please <3


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